Several years ago, I had the shit of a lifetime. And I don’t mean it was massive or anything major, I just mean I was in the bathroom for 6 hours. Why? Because I had a harder piece that just decided to prairie dog itself and then get stuck. Half way out, half way in.

I strained for hours, and at one point was in half man tears at the shear frustration of this. I couldn’t go anywhere as I was in some pain too. I was literally shaking at times at the fatigue my ass was getting, and not in the back entrance pounding way.

My family was concerned to why I was holding up the bathroom for so long, so I just said I felt sick and didn’t want to be disturbed. Hour 4 came by, and then I finally found a lifeline, my little sister’s toy pumpkin bucket she used last Halloween, randomly in the corner of the bathroom. It had a black plastic handle, which would be my lifeline, as a knife was James Franco’s in 127 hours. I snapped the handle forming a slight shiv. I then proceeded to repeatedly stick this shiv into the poo to weaken it. After awhile I managed to saw some of it off.

This went on for two hours, and eventually had me repeatedly shoving this shiv into my ass to break up this poo. Tears went down my face in desperation. And finally, in a painful stretch of my asshole, it came plopping through into the toilet. I laid against my legs in agony. I saw no blood, and thus declared myself the victor, and managed to hide the shiv at the bottom of the trash (which I then took out to be nice). Her pumpkin still has that creepy face, but I can say it has gotten creepier as it has seen some shit.