Heavy: Ya-da-da-da-da-da- It is good day to be not dead!
Engineer: *POW!* You are dead!
Heavy: I am dead!
Engineer: *Chuckling, while spy is doing the conga towards the scene* (The Engineer says aw, shucks” as the Spy gets close.)
Spy: Oh! The Heavy is dead!
Heavy: Yes (Sandwich). I am dead!
Spy: Why is the Heavy dead?!
Engineer: I dunno.
Heavy: I think it was-
Engineer & Spy: Shhh, you are dead!
Heavy: Ok.
(Sniper enters scene exiting van)
Sniper: What’s up, you wankers?! Who’s up for a- AH! What the- bloody hell just happened?!
Engineer & Spy: The Heavy is dead!
(A, B, C, or D game starts)
Sniper: The Heavy is dead!
Spy: Correct!
(Option C lights up and celebration music starts playing)
Spy: So, did you see the murderer?
Engineer and Sniper: Nah, sorry mate.
Spy: *Slams hand on desk* I will find him, I will capture him, and no one will ever die again!
(Engineer and Sniper applause)
Sniper: Ah, well that’s nice.
Engineer: I am damn proud right now.
(Soldier appears in scene)
Soldier: Atteeeeeeeeention!
(Soldier rushes to dead Heavy)
Soldier: That Heavy is dead!
Spy: We know!
Soldier: Who killed him?!
Spy: We don’t know!
Soldier: I will find clues!
(Soldier searches through pile of stuff while sniffing)
Soldier: What’s that? *Grabs gun* A weapon?! That thing is why the Heavy is dead!
Engineer, Sniper, and Spy: The Heavy is dead?!
Soldier: *Slams hands on desk* Yes, (Intense background appears) he died!
Engineer, Sniper, and Spy: *All shocked*
(Intense background stops, showing the Engineer, Sniper, and Spy standing in front of a green screen)
Medic: (From far away) Incoming!
(Ambulance crashes Soldier into a building wall, killing him.)
Medic: *Exits out of Ambulance* Raus, raus! *Pushes Engineer, Sniper, and Spy away from Heavy* Move now! *Kisses Heavy on head*
(Heavenly music sounds while the light focuses on Heavy)
Heavy: (Rising in air) Hohoho, Hea- *Explodes* Oof.
Medic: In my medical opinion, that Heavy is dead!
(Camera rotates to Sniper)
Sniper: Doc, what happened?
Medic: My professional opinion? *Slams hands on desk then turns to the right* (Intense background comes in) The Heavy was killed!
(Intense background stops)
Engineer, Sniper, and Spy: *Panicking*
Medic: I don’t think it’s anything to worry about.
Spy: Well, now what?
(Scout entering while doing the conga in the background)
Scout: Clipidy clop mother\*\*\*\*er! Boom!
Spy: *Says “Oh, come on.” before Scout says boom*
Scout: Look at this! The freaking Heavy is dead! *Pause* What do you think of that? *Pause* Ahm…
Spy: Yes, yes, Scout.
Scout: Yea?
Spy: Go home!
(Scout’s mother appears in a car telling Scout to get in)
Scout: Ah come on! Pffff! Freaking unbelievable seriously, you all suck.
(Car drives off and crashing noise is heard)
Scout: *Screams of pain*
Spy: Ok, let’s get back to the point.
Heavy: *Poking at his dead body* I think Heavy is dead.
Engineer, Sniper, Spy, and Medic: The Heavy is dead?!
Medic: *Turns around and notices dead scout in burning car* Scout! I will heal you- *Car explodes and camera goes back to Heavy*
Heavy: Oh, Seriously?! Who killed Heavy?!
(Camera shows on Demoman drinking Scrumpy)
Demoman: *Slurp* *Slurp* It was me!
Engineer, Sniper, Spy, and Heavy: *Shocked*
Demoman: Yes! *Bottle of Scrumpy slides up Demoman’s body and Demoman eats the bottle* I did it like this: *Takes out a revolver and shoots Sniper in chest* Boom! *Demoman flies off from force of revolver blast*
Sniper: *Screams of pain*
Demoman: Woop dee doo!
Engineer, Spy, and Heavy: *Are terrified seeing Sniper’s dead body*
Demoman: *Burps* That’s a joke, lads.
Engineer, Spy, and Heavy: *Starts laughing like crazy*
Demoman: *Slurp* *Slurp* *Burp* It was… yo-… *Burp* *Points at Engineer* Him!
Engineer: *Shocked* How did you know?!
Demoman: I didn’t. *Burps* That was a joke too.
(Camera moves to Engineer, as the Demoman keeps drinking faster)
Demoman: *Falls on ground* Oh, I’m dead.
Engineer: *Manic laughter* That’s right! It was me!
Spy: You monster!
Heavy: But whyyyyy?
Engineer: Cause you’re fat, boy. And another thing, you’re ugly.
Heavy: Engineer, stop!
Engineer and Heavy: *Arguing*
Spy: *Shrugs* (Text appears saying : IT’S TRADITION)
Engineer: Ah dammit Heavy \*\*\*\* off! You are dead.
Heavy: No u, POW! Haha.
(Engineer falls dead on floor)
Heavy: You are dead! Not big surprise.
Spy: Well that was idiotic. Off to hang myself! *Spy doing flip on noose* Watch and lea- *Choking noises*
Heavy: I am alive! Is nice. Yes, this is stupid.