*Spit take* MOZART!!! THE FAMOUS ITALIENNE COMPOSER. OMG I LOVE HIS WORK. DID YOU KNOW THAT HE COULD PLAY THE PIANO UPSIDE DOWN AND BACKWARDS!! BY AGE 3 HE WAS PLAYING NOTES AND BY AGE 4 HE COMPOSED HIS FIRST SYMPHONY AND WAS TOURING AROUND EUROPE. I’M REALLY SOMETHING OF A MOZART SCHOLAR MYSELF. I CALL HIM THEO AFTER HIS THIRD OR FOURTH NAME I ALWAYS FORGET BECAUSE WE HOMIES. BUT ANYWAYS HIS FULL NAME WAS Johannes Chrysostomus Wolfgangus Theophilus Thistle The Fantastic Thistle Sifter While Sifting A Siv Full Of Unsifted Thistles Thrust Three Thousand Thistles Through The Thick Of His Thumb, See That Thou In Sifting Thistles, Thrust Not Three Thousand Thistles Through The Thick Of Thy Thumb Jesus God Mozart. AND THE GUY COULD WRITE… MUSIC. I MEAN LIKE REAL MUSIC. LIKE ALL IN HIS HEAD. HE WAS A CHILD PRODIGY I TELL YOU AND WAS UNMATCHED BY ANY COMPOSER OR PERSON, LIVING OR DEAD EVER SINCE. HE COMPOSED MUSIC IN HIS HEAD. AND NOT JUST MUSIC. LINES OF MUSIC. AND NOT ALL AT ONCE. NONONONO THAT’S A COMMON MISCONCEPTION. WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED WAS THAT HE WROTE THE BASS LINE FIRST AND WENT UP AND HE NEVER CHECKED FOR ANY NOTES TO SEE IF THEY WERE CORRECT. AND ALWAYS WHEN HE PRESENTED HIS ROUGH DRAFTS TO THE KING THERE WERE NO CORRECTIONS. I MEAN. THAT WAS JUST FUCKING UNHEARD OF AT THE TIME. AND DO YOU UNDERSTAND? I MEAN REALLY UNDERSTAND JUST HOW AHEAD OF THE TIMES HE WAS- NO I DON’T THINK YOU DO. THE REASON FASHION HAD COME THIS FAR WAS TO MASK HUMANITY’S HIDEOUS DEFORMITIES. AND SOMETIMES THEY WOULD WEAR CLOTHES WITH BUGS LITERALLY CRAWLING ALL OVER THEIR SKIN, BUT NOT THEO. THEO WAS BORN COMPLETELY NUDE IN A SCENE THAT IS NOW MISTAKENLY CALLED “THE BIRTH OF VENUS” BUT REALLY IT WAS ALL THEO. AND THE DUDE WENT AROUND NUDE HIS ENTIRE LIFE. LIKE, I MEAN CAN YOU IMAGINE? THE GUY COULD WALK. AND I MEAN he could WALK. LIKE STRAIGHT LINES, DRUNKEN ZIG ZAGS YOU NAME IT, THE MAN WAS A FUCKING GENIUS. AND I DON’T. THINK. YOU. UNDRESTAND HOW PERFECT HIS MUSIC IS. DO YOU KNOW WHAT MUSIC IS? IT IS THE LANGUAGE OF ANGELS, THE FRUIT OF THE WOMB OF GOD AND ONLY THE MESSIAH, THEO COULD SPEAK IT. AND I MEAN THE GUY COULD SPEAK, I MEAN REALLY SPEAK. YOU SHOULD HEAR SOME OF THE THINGS HE’S SPOKEN. POETRY, SIMPLE SENTENCES, COMPLETE SENTENCES, YOU NAME IT BECAUSE THEO COULD DO IT. AND I DON’T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND THE QUALITY OF INSTRUMENTS HE HAD TO DEAL WITH. BACK IN HIS DAY THEY DIDN’T EVEN HAVE AUTOMATIC TUNERS OR ANYTHING WE HAVE TODAY, SO VERY RARELY IF EVER DID COMPOSERS KNOW HOW THEIR MUSIC WAS GOING TO SOUND OUTSIDE OF THEIR HEAD. EXCEPT FOR THEO. THAT DUDE WAS LIKE A FUCKING GARAGEBAND MADE OUT OF PEOPLE. AND THE DUDE’S MUSIC IS OFF THE CHARTS CHALLENGING. LIKE YOU WANT CHALLENGING, I’LL SHOW YOU CHALLENGING. LOOK AT THE VESPERS, HIS MOST FAMOUS COMPOSITION OF THE BILLIONS OF MASTERPIECES THAT THE DUDE COULD JUST FART OUT. I MEAN, THE DUDE SHAT EXCELLENCE AND ATE HIS CONTEMPORARIES FOR BREAKFAST BUT NOT LIKE CANIBALLISMS, JUST METAPHORICALLY, WHICH MOZART- I MEAN THEO USED IN HIS MUSIC ONCE YOU TRANSLATED IT OUT OF THE ORIGINAL GREECIAN-DICTION-LATIN. WHICH WAS HARD BECAUSE BY THIS POINT LATIN WAS AND HAD BEEN A DEAD LANGUAGE FOR A THOUSAND YEARS HENCE. BUT I DON’T THINK YOU. UNDRASTUND HOW HARD HIS MUSIC IS TO COMPREHEND FOR US MERE MORTALS, WHO ONLY HAVE MORE COMPUTATIONAL POWER THAN THE THING THAT WENT TO THE MOON. HIS MUSIC. IT’S WRITTEN IN THE INCREDIBLY CHALLENGING TIME SIGNATURES OF 4/4 AND 2/4. WHICH I MEAN RIGHT THERE MOST CHOIRS ARE FUCKED. LIKE STRAIGHT UP FUCKED. BUT NOT THEO- I MEAN MOANSFARTS- I MEAN COMMADORE WELLINGTON. HE WAS SO RYTHMIC HE COULD MAKE A METRONOME CRY AND MASTURBATED IN COMPOUND METER. AND YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT PIANO???? THE GUY INVENTED THE PIANO, RIGHT AFTER HE INVENTED THE WHEEL AND SCARY PORNOGRAPHY. HE SAT UP IN BED ONE DAY, A THOUSAND YEARS BEFORE HIS BIRTH, WHEN HE WASN’T EVEN A TWINKLE IN HIS GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-REALLY-GREAT-BECAUSE-IT’S-FUCKING-MOOFRAZZLE-I-MEAN-THEO’S GRANDFATHER. AND YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT TWINKLE, I MEAN… THE GUY COULD TWINKLE. HE WROTE THE LYRICS AND THE TUNE OF TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR AND COULD PLAY THEM AT ANY PLACE AT ANY TIME. HE INVENTED NEW NOTES THAT HAVE NOT BEEN HEARD BEFORE OR SINCE BY SPLITTING THE PIANO CHORDS WITH HIS TEETH AND THEN PLAYING WHATEVER CAME OUT. BUT. I DON’T THINK. YOUUUUUU. UNDERSTUNTED, HOW WELL HE COULD PLAY. AND THE GUY COULD PLAY, I MEAN REALLY PLAY. YOU SHOULD HAVE HEARD HIM. DURING ONE CONCERT HE HUNG FROM THE CIELING BY HIS EYELIDS PLAYED THE PIANO WITH ONE FOOT WHILE DOING THE BALLET FROM ACT FIVE OF HEIMDALL’S MESSIAH WHILE THE OTHER FOOT PLAYED THE TROMBONE TO A JAZZY RHYTHM AND HE CONDUCTED HIS OWN SYMPHONIES UPSIDE DOWN AND BACKWARDS AND WITH HIS DICK HE PLAYED THE TRIANGLE. FUCK!!