When I have to go to an evil meat restaurant with my family, I have to physically tie off my nose using a rubber band or hair tie. The smell of the cooked meat reminds me of my origin, and the urges to carnivorate rush back to me and fill my nether regions.

Last time, I told the waiter that I simply cannot eat anything from them but eventually did request a full plate of celery from the kitchen. When it arrived, I stood proudly in protest, even as my mother yelled at me, that stupid meat eating bitch.

I would NOT eat anything at their evil restaurant, so eventually my dad told me if I didn’t stop and behave he would have to do what we do at home. Even though it was in public, I stood my ground to those filthy, dirty meat eating monsters. I let my pants go and turned down, defenseless like all the pigs, cows, and chickens had come before me, as my father shoved celery up my ass. I proudly eased it in, knowing that the chickens watching up in heaven would be thanking me.

My advice is just don’t go.