I spent 2015 burning crosses, goosestepping and throwing the Nazi salute at kids in an attempt to sway them into becoming racists like me. Naturally, I voted for Trump because he shares these ideals.

Now I am experiencing huge amounts of Trumpgret because every single policy that his tiny stupid hands have signed off on have hurt me and my kids. I have no one to blame but myself. I didn’t listen to reddit and am being punished for it like the big idiot that I am. I put myself in this mess but it’s changed me for the better.


I started volunteering at the soup kitchen and burned all of my original SS memorabilia. Since disavowing Trump’s horrifying racism and bigotry filled “presidency” I have lost over six hundred pounds, restored my relationship with my family, and been removed from the sex offender registry. My grass requires less water to stay green and I won the lottery recently (but of course donated it to the future Madame President’s 2020 bid). My kids, who were formerly expelled for chasing around young African American children screaming racial epithets in full blackface (at my behest) are assisting me with letters to Congress on responsible and achievable gun control measures.

The shutdown has been tough. I’m down to two kids now of the four I started with, and it’s become increasingly hard to see due to the buildup on my whale oil lamp. We were never rich of course, but it’s a blessing in disguise as it allows me to know what it’s like to in a lower class.

I continue to spit on a defaced poster with Trump’s stupid face on it every night but the dehydration makes it harder and harder and I’m running out of kids. If I don’t make it, please make sure my last words are known: “if you’re going to make stupid politics posts then at least tag it serious.”