Don’t know about you but in my home the “horrified screeches of women” have nothing to do with black magic and everything to do with the modifications I’ve carried out upon my penis. Extra lumps and ridges in the form of subcutaneous silicone, a protracted period without washing in order to produce plenty of smegma, and some small, strategically placed incisions to generate minor blood flow, can get my dick looking like an ice cream sundae – which can be pretty shocking if you’re not expecting it and it gets pushed towards your mouth, but, well, if they don’t have their rent money they know what they have to do (plus it’s good practice for college in a couple of years’ time).