10 super useful tips for the Zombie Apocalypse.

1) Don’t fuck the zambies. Even if your girl looks fine, any bit of infection DNA could transfer through kissing or sex. Don’t even touch each other.

2) Wear stupid ass armour. I’m serious. Wear a deep sea scuba suit. Be an astronaut. Wear anti-dragon metal armour. Even chainmail will help you to an extent. If they can’t bite you, you should be fine, if it’s not an airborne virus or splash of blood to the face.

3) Shut the fuck up. Use a silencer. Use a sword. Use a big ass metal bat. Just keep quiet, so the Zambonis don’t hear you, and you get mobbed.

4) Spikes are your friends. Spiked knuckles, spiked elbows, knees, toes of your shoes, and a motorcycle helmet with spikes and a face shield would be cool, so you can headbutt zoboomafoo in the face, and not get blood in yours.

5) Run motherfucker, run. Are you fat? You’re dead. Lazy? Dead. Slow? Uh, dead. Zimbabwe is fast as the cheetah, sometimes, maybe. Crack a few kneecaps with your bat, and you could probably just walk away. Still, if you are a parkour beast ass motherfucker, you’re most likely to live. Most zoomtans are white, and most white people can’t run or jump.

6) Fuck everyone else. Don’t actually fuck them, but you know, if they get bit, they are dead. Leave. Don’t be attached to anyone. It’s you or them. You can travel with friends, but they might sacrifice you to escape, so remember who’s number one. Me. I am.

7) If you have to be loud, be effective. Set up a turret. Get retarded fully auto guns. Get grenades. Get fucking dynamite, or propane and gas tanks. Lay them around your base, and blow them up to clear Zac Efrons really fast.

8) Ziplines can’t climb walls. Get retractable ladders, so you can climb to higher ground, and pull the ladder back up.

9) Elements may help, but won’t kill. If you ever find yourself face to face with a zebra, remember kiddos, fire won’t kill a zigzag, but if they burn apart, they can’t chase you. Tazers are questionable. Do the nerves still work? Can a Led Zeppelin be electrocuted? What am I, a musician? Do I sound like a doctor professor? I don’t think they can drown, either. Earth, though. A big ass rock will do you just fine, Indiana Jones.

10) If you get bit, die a badass. Don’t be a little bitch and cry about it. Use the last bit of your sanity to go full beast mode and kill as many Zephyrhills as you can. If you amputate the bit limb, maybe you can stop yourself from becoming a zesty ranch packet, but the infection spreads the more your blood flows, so if you’re gonna try to survive, keep calm. You could possibly save your life using snake venom, as it turns your blood into a jelly, and clots very fast. Then use anti venom, and do a lot of drugs, to fuck your blood entirely, so you might live longer. You’ll be high as balls, but if anything breaks down the zombie cells, you’re in the clear. Honestly, you could give yourself cancer, or AIDS, and those cells are a bitch to destroy, so they might actually destroy the Zords virus, and you’ll be immune, but you’ll have cancer and/or AIDS. At least those can be cured.

There’s your tips, my dudes. Tips I made myself.

Hope they help!