Just a word of caution for anyone out there looking into purchasing a dildo: make sure it does not contain phthalates.

I myself made that mistake a couple years ago. I was in the market for a dildo. Nothing too specific. It just had to be at least eight inches in diameter, 22 centimeters in length, gluten-free, able to withstand thirty newtons of force, have attached balls the size of pigeon eggs (free range, not domesticated), and purple. Pretty standard.

Unfortunately, I could not find one matching that description that was also within my budget of $35. So I went the pre-owned route. Found one that ticked all the boxes at an estate sale for just $7. Supposedly, it had belonged to a “little old lady” and she only used the thing on her way “to and from church.”

Other than some minor scuffing and a bit of an odor (previous owner was a smoker; by the taste, I’d guess Camel Lights), it was in good condition. After a little haggling, I got the seller to drop the price to $6.45. I used my remaining budget on muscle relaxers and white wine.

It took just one use before buyer’s remorse set in. I was in the bathtub at the time. A belt was around my neck, music filled the air, and nana’s Life Alert was within reach. I had gotten nearly halfway through Amy Grant’s Christmas album when something felt off. It was then that I noticed little bits of dildo were falling off the dildo.

I hopped out of the tub, removed the thing, and inspected it. Sure enough, the dildo was crumbling before my very thighs. It smelled, too. Not just of asshole, either. The aroma was more chemical in nature, which I found gross.

After doing a google search on bing, I learned that my dildo had been created using phthalates, which are a toxic chemicals toy manufacturers use to make hard plastics soft. Hey, if they needed to make those plastics soft, they could have just asked my wife to tell them about her day. pause for laughter

Anyway, that dildo did a real number on me. The chemical leached into my anus and subsequently turned my brown eye blue. And I don’t mean it was sad. So keep that in mind the next time you are in the market for a dildo.