As I made my way outside for the final smoke of the night before bed, I was first alerted by the female groans and grunts that were drifting from the open window that she had a Toad in the Hole.

Mind you, I find myself distracted by wondering what bed they bought and how it’s positioned in the room. Despite the full porno vocal performance this woman was giving, there wasn’t a bump or bang to be heard. She sounded like she was getting pounded by a freight train.

Meanwhile, I realise he’s a silent partner in these proceedings. I know everyone has their own soundtrack and habits, but it was unnerving to have nothing but her squeals being heard across the street – possibly the neighbourhood?

There were a few short breaks of the woman shutting the fuck up. I assumed they must be changing positions or something? Then I hear it – quieter than a mouse’s fart and at the pitch of someone slowly letting the air out of balloon while stretching the neck.

‘D’ya wanit up ya arse?’

My interest piqued. Did she? I wasn’t sure. I’ve known the woman for over a decade but never thought to ask.

Luckily, he asked again. And again. And again. Realising the groans of pleasure were not doing the trick of refocusing him on her not-an-arse, she moans ‘yeeeeeahhhh’. As a woman, I know that yes meant ‘absolutely not’, but he heard the word and went for it.

The time between consenting and then yelping like she stood on an upturned plug with socks on was minimal. This led me to believe that he had used not time, patience or any lube. He might have had time to spit, but we all know that causes friction right?

So, in my mind, I’ve just seen her catapult away from the arse probing. No harm no foul, we’ve all been there and tried something then realised it wasn’t for us.

Back to porno vocals and the like, interspersed by him still being such a caring and considerate lover and repeatedly enquiring whether she might possibly wanit up her arse. By my count, there were 4 attempts at getting it there. I don’t think any were successful.

‘Fucken stay there then’ *slap*

Ooh, we like a slap on the arse? OK. Absolutely no judgement whatsoever but there were only 3 audible slaps in the session. Seems paltry if it’s a turn on but you do you boo.

Her groans and moans become louder still. I detect a false climax and think she really deserved a real one for being an absolute trooper, but it’s time for bed now.

But….wait. No!

‘Yeah, ‘av anuvva one.’ He commands. I never knew our bodies worked like that, but what do you know? BANG. Another fake one.

Repeat 3 more times. Remember during all this he is absolutely silent except where I’ve stated it.

Now bed? No, dear reader. Multiple orgasm commands later, he’s ready for his big finish.

‘Yeah stay there’ he tells her. She presses play on the porno tune again and so it briefly continues, with her volume and real efforts to spur him on telling me she has had enough, hurry up and splat dude it’s 2am.

A synopsis-

Sex noises from female now including calling him by his name – a new tactic in her war on terrorble sex and getting this done which I note and give her the nod. I’m ready for this to be over too.

‘FUCKSAKE’ (with malice in tone)
‘WHAT?’
‘YOU FUCKEN PULLED ME OUT’

5 seconds of silent bliss.

Sex noises from female now including calling him by his name – a new tactic in her war on terrorble sex and getting this done which I note and give her the nod. I’m ready for this to be over too.
‘FUCKSAKE’
‘WHAT?’
‘YOU FUCKEN PULLED ME OUT’

Yep, we have that on loop until daylight I fear. Then, like a Phoenix from the flames, on the 3rd pulling out she snapped finally and snarled

‘FUCKING JERK YOURSELF OFF THEN!’

*slap*

Fin.

It was only then I realised I had finished smoking long before and had in fact got closer to the source of the noise. It was like a car crash to my ears, I was horrified but couldn’t stop myself listening.

Honestly, I’m torn (like her arsehole I imagine) whether to ask if she can just shut her window, give advice about making anal hurt less than a cattle prod taiser on your clit or make sure she’s not in an abusive relationship.

I will probably just listen a few more times to get an idea on whether to be concerned about her well-being or not. I spent all day at work telling everyone I could and now I ran out of people to tell so I told Reddit.

2/10 – do not recommend. 1 point awarded for being a trooper and 1 for telling him to jerk off.