TIFU by accidentally painting a bathroom ceiling with frozen….. Waste….

I was skiing on a particularly cold day, slightly below freezing. I had done my normal morning routine of drinking a pot of black coffee, so by 10am my bowels were rumbling with early warning signs, like the little earthquakes preceding a volcanic eruption. Come high noon and Pompeii was ready to decimate the population so I quickly slalomed down the mountain to the only restroom at the resort.

After dancing around for 20 minutes in the busy line, FINALLY one of the two stalls opened up. Struggling to get my ski pants, then my long John’s, and finally my boxers down to just above mid-thigh while somehow not destroying thousands of dollars of gear with feces, I barely managed to pull my underwear out of the way before it happened.

Literally steaming due to the below freezing temperature, liquid shit erupted like lava out of my asshole. With the awkward angle of my squeezed-together legs somehow increasing the fluid pressure my anus became a fire hose. Black death propelled itself outward and somehow upward covering the floor, the back wall, the toilet itself, the walls of the stall and the ceiling. The smell was indescribable – I have Crohn’s, and a particularly rank bowel movement could easily be classified as a bioterror weapon in many nations.

After using both rolls of toilet paper to clean myself up, I quickly exited the stall and started washing my hands during a short window without seeing any feet outside the stall door. Midway through hand-washing, another dude comes running in ready to have a similar explosion. He goes to the now-open stall(the other was occupied), as I run towards the exit. He screams, “WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK” and starts retching. I can’t imagine he could have held back the vomit, as I barely could myself. I found my wife waiting outside, grabbed her and beelined away from the restrooms before anyone could figure out it was me. She practically died of laughter when I explained why we had to sprint away from the building in our ski boots hauling gear behind us. The worst part is that I knew it’d freeze to the walls and ceiling long before maintenance guys would get there to clean it, but didn’t wanna go tell anyone for fear of having my season pass revoked.

TL;DR: accidentally turned my anus into a fire hose of death, covering the walls / ceiling of a ski resort restroom with diarrhea that made a guy puke, and then froze solid before it could get cleaned up.