After years of research on xhamster.com/gay I have found all the male archetypes. This will unlock the full potential of every male specimen reading this. The epiphany will instantly make you fill buckets worth of cum in an hours-long orgasm. I will now post the list before the CIA can get to me. Guard it with your lives.

* Alpha-male (α):

This is me. All around fuckin badass. Alphas are the leaders of men. The true heads of the wolf pack. But not in a furry way trust me.

* Beta-male (β):

These are the worker βees of society. Except for lunch break when they collectively watch βee Movie starring Jerry Seinfeld.

* Gamma-male (γ):

Just fucking losers. Like Derek from middle school.

* Delta-male (δ):

That guy from Star Trek.

* Epsilon-male (ε):

* Zeta-male (ζ):

Z comes last in the Latin alphabet but luckily for zeta-males the Greek alphabet has spared them from this fate, and instead omegas are the bottom of the barrel. Still, the zetas are on thin fuckin ice.

* Eta-male (η):

It looks like an “n” but is pronounced a bit like “ey” For this reason you can never trust an Eta-male.

* Theta-male (θ):

Very fuckable letter. It’s like an O but slim and with a sexy horizontal stripe in the middle. God I wish I could clap them theta cheeks.

* Iota-male (ι):

These fuckers are all about themselves. They are also Apple fanboys.

* Kappa-male (κ):

I am sure you have heard of the “no cap” slang the youngsters use these days. Kappa males however are all about that cap. They write emails with caps lock turned on and send them with the whole office in CC. They can’t control their speaking volume, instead they are always yelling.

* Lambda-male (λ):

They have ginormous shlongs and have an IQ of well above 130, have about 5 moms, own a 2003 Miata with truck nuts, and have canted wheels at 135° centigrade.

* Mu-male (μ):

Obsessed with cats. Always has cat hair on all their clothes yet they still wear black. Always wants to tell you what their “baby” cat did today.

* Nu male (ν):

Nu-males listen exclusively to nu metal. Only the finest of Korn and Limp Bizkit.

* Xi-male (ξ):

Can play mad xylophone.

* Omicron-male (ο):

Smol thicc n round.

* Pi-male (π):

Pi (pronounced: pee) males are born to piss. They can do it standing up, sitting, backwards and upside down. Their pee stream is a perfect laminar flow.

* Rho-male (ρ):

Another situation like Eta-males. Despite looking like a “p”, ρ is actually pronounced like an “r”. Stop lying to us Rho-males.

* Sigma-male (σ):

Sigmas operate outside of the hierarchy but are nonetheless successful. They can suck their own dick and don’t need no help from anyone.

* Tau-male (τ):

Trans men. These brethren were not chosen by nature to be men. Instead they took it upon themselves to represent our glorious gender. For this reason they are to be respected.

* Upsilon-male (υ):

No u

* Phi-male (φ):

Actually just w*men 🤮

* Chi-male (χ):

Chi-males have found harmony with the life energy that flows through all living beings. They can practice Kung Fu blindfolded like Neo in the Matrix.

* Psi-male (ψ):

Like the pi-male but with a little *zinggg* to it (sometimes they piss on the toilet seat).

* Omega-male (ω):

They are last on the list and therefore absolute trash. I didn’t invent the Greek alphabet okay