Guys, I donated all of my savings to Bernie Sanders and now he’s not even running anymore and he won’t give them back. I thought he was going to win and give me free college so I wouldn’t have to pay my student loans anymore wtf!? I even tweeted at him and NOBODY responded! He endorsed Hillary, so don’t I get my money back now? My rent is two weeks overdue and I’m really scared because my landlord says he’s going to kick me out. I’m almost out of ramen noodles. I need someone to hack Bernie’s server and get me my money back. Or if it’s on Hillary’s server now maybe someone could get that hacker to give it back to me. My student loans are piling up and I’m going to be homeless if someone doesn’t help me asap!

Thanks guys please help my electricity already got shut off and I’m writing this from my laptop hooked up to a hand crank radio but I don’t know how longer I can crank. I don’t know why BuzzFeed videos drain my battery so fast but it’s making this really hard for me.

I can’t offer much in return but I have a small Tumblr blog with a decent following which I’m willing to give up as long as you promise not to delete my stories where everyone in the store applauds.