Isaac was excited. So excited, he had gotten a little half-chub downstairs. It was his time-his time to Smash. Sakurai had invited him into the Nintendo offices for a “discussion.” While Sakurai didn’t say what the discussion would be about, he knew it was going to be big. It was the 20th anniversary of Golden Sun. As such, he knew he was going to get into Smash. Sakurai knew how important Nintendo history was. He had to be planning something big.

“OHHH BOY! I can’t wait! I’m gonna be in Smash, and get an amiibo, and my son will be a Mii costume, and I’ll get my own HD remaster collection with a time limit on it, and I’m gonna get a new game, and my new game will have a waifu with big boobs, and, and, and…………”

Isaac looked down. His flag was at full mast, now. He closed his eyes and thought of Edelgard, killing the excitement bubbling within him. He really hated Fire Emblem: it was such an overrepresented franchise, it angered him to even look at the logo, let alone think about an ugly witch like Edelgard. Even so, thoughts about a villain with 0 nuance didn’t deter his excitement about today-the only thing it detered was his white-hot man passion. She was quite ugly, after all.

It wasn’t just FE that he hated, though-he hated all anime sword users. There was just something about them that made him mad. Something about their big eyes and samey-designs that brought his piss to a boil.

Isaac had arrived at the offices, shaking that line of thought out of his head as he prepared himself for what was to come. He took a deep breath. It felt like today was the first day of the rest of his life. Nervous, but still excited, he pushed open the door, entering the building with a heart full of love.
He boarded the crisp, pristine elevator. It had pictures of Mario and Tsubasa Oribe on them. Isaac didn’t hate Tsubasa as much as he hated most other FE characters, because she had a nice rack. Besides, she was only 50% FE, anyways. Isaac wore a big, silly grin on his face, looking like a dog who had just eaten a dollar and was getting ready to poop more money out his butt.

Isaac left the elevator, and headed to Sakurai’s office. He opened the door gently. So gently, in fact, that he half expected there to be a girl who had hung herself on the other side. But no, the only thing standing there was a shirtless man, standing alone, in the dark, with his back turned. He had long, silver hair, and a sword that was as long as Springman’s arms.

“Sephiroth? What brings you here? Are you going to be in my new HD remaster?” Isaac asked, looking like a big idiot asshole.

“No. That’s idiotic, you big asshole.” Sephiroth said, as he pressed a button.

Suddenly, Isaac was sucked into the room, like a piece of dust being sucked into a vacuum cleaner who didn’t get to tell his dust children goodbye. The door shut behind him, making a huge “KERWHAMO” sound.
Isaac bumped his knee on the table. “Ow.” He screamed, looking at Sephiroth with confusion eyes.

“I came here to steal your skin.” Sephiroth said, sharpening his sword and licking his lips, like a badger with a sword.

“My skin?” Isaac asked, as if he didn’t just hear what Sephiroth had said like a second ago.

“Yes. Your skin.”

A voice had come out from under the table. Isaac squinted. Was someone down there? Or did Nintendo have talking tables? Either way, he was unnerved.

Sakurai and Doug Bowser came from underneath the table. Sakurai’s teeth were as straight, narrow and yellow as a crocodile teeth that had eaten a lot of corn. Doug Bowser looked scared, like a cat who was going to watch his friend get skinned alive.

“What’s going on? Where’s my new game?” Isaac asked, wetting himself a bit. He was disappointed with himself-his mommy always called him a big boy, but that wasn’t a very big boy thing to do!

Sakurai slammed on the table. “THERE IS NO NEW GAME! OR SMASH DLC! YOUR FRANCHISE IS DEAD! We’re here today to skin you and make you into a Mii costume so your fans will shut up about you being added.”

Isaac blinked. Were Mii costumes really just skinned people? It would make sense-it always felt like something wasn’t right about them.

“You see, Isaac, we’ve been skinning characters and slipping sword-based newcomers in them, so we can sneak them onto the roster. How do you think Byleth went in unnoticed? He wore Cupman’s skin, of course. And now we don’t have to worry about adding in a compulsive gambler into Smash! Win-Win!”

Isaac stepped back. He had to escape somehow. But how? It’s not like he had magic or anything. He was just a generic child with aryan genes.

“Look at the DLC, my boy. This roster is going to be great!” Sakurai said, smiling like a Grinch who was Asian.

Isaac looked horrified. It was all anime swordies! He saw Monster Hunter wearing Aerith’s skin, Zagreus wearing Barrett’s skin, and Itsuki Yuge wearing a Chocobo hat.

“Oh, man. My movie’s gonna make big bucks in China!” Monster Hunter said, rubbing his Greatsword-wielding hands together.

“I feel like a criminal…” Zagreus said, looking a bit bummed. He was excited to be out of the Underworld, but the cost seemed a bit steep, in his opinion.

“I can’t wait to fuck Samus!” Itsuki said. He was sure Femiruna would understand-he needed more Star Children.

Isaac was shocked and appalled. How could Sakurai do this? How could he cram so many anime swordies onto the roster?

“Don’t worry, Isaac. We have plans for your pal, Geno. In the meantime, why don’t you let Sephiroth show you paradise?”

Isaac was thrown onto the table. His skin was removed by Sephiroth in one quick, erotic motion. Isaac was just a ball of meat now. He felt like a peeled banana with no skin on his weiner.

“We’re giving your skin to someone who deserves to be in Smash.” Sakurai said, as he motioned to Saber. She picked up the skin and wore it over her armor. It was a perfect fit, probably because her and Isaac had similar-sized boobs.

“As for you, we’re gonna grind you up and give you to Steve as a snack. In a way, you’ll be in Smash-in body, not in spirit.” Sakurai explained, giggling like a schoolgirl that was a man.

“Sakurai, please, stop. It’s the anniversary! We can’t just forget about that!” Doug said, saddened.

“I didn’t. I’m putting Link from Link Between Worlds into the game, disguised in a Tifa costume.”

“Oh-WHEW! In that case, skin away.” Doug said. He knew another Link would solve their problems.

Cloud turned to his friend, Tifa. “The fuck are they talking about? You’re Link?” “Of course not, dear. Wanna reenact Under the Highwind? I’ll be on top!” Link asked, doing a girly voice. “Okay. That sounds like something Tifa would say.” Cloud said, guillable as ever.

Isaac was dragged off, saddened. The swordies had won. Peace was gone.
And it was never coming back.

————————————————

“Rick, this story sucks!” Morty complained, upset at what he had read.

“What do you expect, M-burpMorty? The author is a shitposter.” Rick rolled his eyes as he vaped. He was trying to make a Parler account, because he thought Twitter was on the way out.

“Rick, w-w-w-we can’t just ignore an inherent lack of quality, just because the author is some fat 24 year old living in his parent’s basement! Story quality matters! That’s what Mauler says!”

“Morty, Mauler is a pretentious hack. Now come over here and let’s watch Game of Thrones Season 8. I heard it’s amazing.”

“Okay!” Morty said, as his concerns melted away. He loved being a consumer.

And so consume he did, until he forgot about the last thing he had consumed, Golden Sun 2. Such was the way of life.