*Be 4 year old me.
*Be fascinated of concept of bookz, listen to your mum reading you bookz, create your own bookz – sheets of paper with drawing and bands that are supposed to look like handwriting
*Be 7 year old me
*Become obsessed with bookz
*Become obsessed with concept of being good, having good grades cuz bookz seem to reward such behavior
*Be good
*Go to primary school with 60 students overall
*Be that strange book girl in school with whom nobody talks to.
*Don’t care about people coz even if you would, you don’t know any topics
*Besides bookz
*You talk with one person about bookz
*It’s cool
*start to get to know internet and you join one fandom
*By “joining” you have in mind reading shitloads of fanfics
You write something
*it lookz like shit
*you comment on some forum on some stupid topic
*you are surprised, cuz it seems like something stupid after 5 minutes
*You don’t like that feeling
*you don’t do it ever again
*It’s cool thing to do, you just watch things unfolding with no connection to it or something
*You don’t have a chance to be stupid
*You like that feeling, you feel like smart person
*You don’t have any books to share with person you used to talk with.
*Coz you only read fanfics now
*It’s awkward
*You don’t talk with him ever again
*Not like you ever cared or somethin
*You go to middle school
*Everyone is stupid
*You don’t understand what they are talking about
*But they seem to laugh at you sometimes
*bunch of stupid middle school retards
*Not like you, you read bookz. You have good grades in math and shit. You play piano, watch inspirational videos on youtube, (not like others plaing stupid LOL) and rest of that time you spend on reading fanfics written by personz like you
*Spezial personz
*You go to secondary school
*Best in fucking country mayby
*Finally some competition
*It’s cool
*People seem finally cool
*It will be cool 3 years you think
*Come first tests
*You see that if you want to get good grades you must work really hard’n shit
*You try
*You fail one time after another, your grades won’t be outstanding anymore
*Doesn’t matter how much you work, there lies a limit of your possibilities
*That’s fine
*Not like good grades was your foundation of viewing yourself as something valuable ’n smart
*Nah
*Now you can finaly be social person, remember?
*Social persons are above stupid grades
*Don’t need to prove ourselves that they are smart
*You try to say something during discussion
*It’s stupid
*You cannot not do it ever again
*You say to yourself that you must think again a few times until you say something
*You say something stupid again
*Now you talk only with few persons about stupid shit
*It’s cool
*Not like they are better persons than some bookz
*You can talk how stupid are teachers and tests sometimes
*Everyone have a feeling of crushing under their expectations
*Feeling of unspoken bond is heartening
*There comes one not especially important test ’n you manage to stay all night asleep, telling yourself that you learn somethin
*Surprisingly, you fuck it up
*You start talking with people about it, to feel united in “fucking up” things
*For them test was as easy as anything
*Now you perfectly know who is an idiot here
*Now hard is even catching breath with some reason
*huh
*You join group of people playing Role-Playing game
*They are freaking awesome
*You can’t stop laughing of their jokes even if you don’t catch them all
*You must create a character
*You have no idea what it is all about
*So You safely make some absurd drunk centaur student of law character
*They laugh at your something like jokes
*Coz you don’t paid attention what’s going on but that drunk student of law neither would
*So it’s kind of hilarious
*It feels good
*You fell like person in a good place and time
*Like in country with true communism
*You feel that in society you can be that person that everyone laugh at coz you made them to
*You can become that person cracking jokes
*Your attempts go rather miserable, but you don’t care
*You have a pack, and they seem to like you how you are you
*If you would describe it as heartwarming it wouldn’t be enough
*Awesome shit
*huh
*You fall in love
*Nobody told you that you fall in love by having a meaningful conversation
*It was always described by looking in the eyes bullshit
*Conducting conversation is troublesome thing to learn from scratch
*You aren’t even sure if that person is single
*After few months you hear the news, that person is no longer single
*You are, and you hope that no one can see your emotions through your face
*Shit
*Shit
*shit
*Things go fine, you focus on other aspects of life
*Like running with dog and with battle anime music in your earphones
*not in nasruto style
*if somebody cares
*Turns out you are good at drawing shit
*It’s good
*You can be now that girl of art in class, that everyone begs to draw shit, when hard times come
*But in your class there is already 2 of them
*If you promote yourself it won’t be justifiable to complain, that “everyone practically abuse me to draw class shit”
*So there is like no point kinda
*When you are not type of person that walks with A3 sketchbook with title on it: “”SKETCHBOOK””
*When you don’t talk to your class like at all
*After school trip you phone to random person of your pack to feel like, someone maybe, might, feel fine with sound of your voice
*Or at least listen to it
*huh
*Everything is quite stable
*Now you can fluently speak in language of 4 people beside your family members
*You see spark of irritation on one person’s face
*3 people for sure
*You slightly overemphasized value of yourself, on that being yourself thing
*It’s ok, that’s just a thing of getting better right?
*Or a thing of being that fucking retard, whom all of fed up with long time ago
*You are trying to think
*So you tone yourself down and focus on things that are important
*Fuck yeah!
*Like sitting on math and don’t having idea what’s going on
*…Yeah!
*Like convincing yourself at home that you are learning shit
*…Well fuck?
*Like ruling on that drawing lesson
*You wonder if you have deprived yourself to the point of going to art school
*You realized that you stopped reading books
*You have an answer
*But still, you have chosen 2 years ago to become architect and make shitloads of money
*And like, that was a purpose of going to that fucking school
*Well shit
*You realize that being famous online would help some things
*Like in money things’n shit
*You start creating graphic novel
*You discover that you freaking love doing that
*Making up stories and drawing
*You have simple wish of doing just that until end of time
*You feel that you cannot focus anymore
*Shit
*You have homework to do
*Not like you can afford some more dropping grades or something
*shit
*You fucking fall in love again
*In that fucking person that is in relationship already
*You feel like a retard or something
*You wonder what is fucking wrong with you
*You try to maintain it as a friendship
*Because after all that is all what you fucking want, a person to talk with without feeling of awkwardness
*Sh…
*What the fuck is wrong with you lungs?
*Life is not like in movies, you don’t get asthma only if you feel like piece of shit.
*Life is not like in movies, You don’t get boyfriend only if are damn damsel in distress
*Are you fucking surprised?
*Shit
*You realize that your subconsciousness probably didn’t care if that somebody it choose is already in relationship or not
*Because it is part of you that probably still believe that you are superior to others if you want it or not
*shit
*Like some nazi or shit
*I’m retarded nazi who is after war selling buns with hahenkreuz on them