At a very young age I began experimenting w/ paint and makeup. Tried a variety of things like the US jungle war paint camouflage and what I know now to be black face… but at the time I was trying to look like a raisin.

It wasn’t until I saw my balls hanging their, the bathroom window open wide letting in the blazing summer heat, did I get the idea to dip them in paint. They were truly descended so I got a real good dip. I decided amongst all my various colors that I would chrome these puppies. And so I did. I chromed my balls. And that would be a biweekly practice for a long time. I recall the first hiccup in my day to day when I went for a checkup. The color was part of me, I didn’t think it about really. That is right up until the moment my doctor asked me to drop my drawers. He saw the fear in my eyes. Patted me on the back and said son I’ve seen everything, every STD there is. Don’t be ashamed. And so we proceeded in this cat and mouse game. And so he uncovered my grand silver balls.

The intense high fluorescent lights made my balls shine. Shine so bright my Doc what temporarily blinded. But as he readjusted his vision I could see his eyes were now seeing them in their true form. My stomach had one thousand retarded butterflies abuzz, my teeth grit. He didn’t say a word which made it worse. He then backed up and proceeded to loosen his belt. What I saw next was extremely affirming and validating. He drew out his balls but they were not chrome but bronze!

“Pretty cool right? Yeah, at your age I was rocking silver but I’ve been brown maxing ever since my mid life crisis when I got on TRT.”

To be frank, I was Jealous. And as i ruminated on that very feeling a nurse busted through the door without knocking, throwing protocol to the wind. She stood mouth agape, frozen in her stance as she was in the presence of two males with shining Jewels. I was extremely embarrassed I women was seeing my balls. The fact she was hot made it all worse. But without a word she whipped out her own balls… fucking Emerald green. Wtf. Getting shown up twice in one day? Does a 13 y/o need this competition, a 13 y/o with chromed out balls is lacking the confidence. I could see the Dr. pissed as hers outshined his Jewish balls by miles.

I stood and took a grab of her sack, I expected it too come off, I thought they were like clip on earrings or something. I was ignorant back then, I didn’t know women could have testicles. I mean the first 10 years of my life I assumed women had balls but my world view was rocked upon learning we got different stuff. So I was extremely confused when she had them when I was told that was 100& not the case. Why did mommy lie? Anyway, my tug on her emeralds didn’t go as planned. She unleashed a low howl of pain like you’d hear from a rhino getting shot with a 10 gauge shotgun.

​

My hands were frozen there. Up until I felt the doctors hand rap around mine,

“Pull Boy, pull’

And so i did. We did. We began to synchronize by orating “heave’ and “ho.” A good few heaves and hoes latter they came off.

She laughed about it with us as we looked inside the sack. A bunch of sperms crawled out except they were far from microscopic, each the size of a small dog. And all with 4 feet. We began to play with them. They were feisty and acted like a dog who hadn’t been played with for years. But than a black guy came in and started stomping on all are cool little creatures and I screamed.

“You wanna outbreak or something? Those mofos multiply and they only get bigga my \*igga.”

I sighed a sigh which sounded like a sigh you would sigh when put at great ease.

Nurse began to scream as shock wore off and pain set in. And than she was pissed as she realized she’d have to get those balls put back again or her girlfriend would bitch. I assumed she could just grow them back. I said that and it was as if a lightbulb went off above her head.

“Ya’know, I’ve never tried that. I could demand my Ovaries to descend. Her face squinted up as she pushed real hard, she had that focused look one has when trying to shit a really big shit. It didn’t work. She than manually went to work… put her gloved hand elbow deep and grabbed them and brought them right out… they were rainbow colored. The coolest of cool. All 3 of us fell before her presence as she had the grandest balls. She demanded we donate our balls to those young kids in need and so we did. It was only fair. Why do you deserve your balls more than some other kid suffering? Seriously. And you also get plus sides! Less likely to cat call, more likely to do what you are told. This is how society could function flawlessly.

Oh, “we need balls to continue the human race?” Is that so? Wrong bigot. Women can use their bone marrow cells to get themselves pregnant all by themselves (even though a male scientist figured out how to do this, a cis-het white male too boot… but we know his gf was his muse so actually the Nobel Prize went to her. Same prize Obama got before he did what the prize was awarding.