Someone convince me not to call out tonight lol. I’m scheduled to start in an hour. It’s so crazy that I’m so conscious about the definite repercussions of a terrible decision and still i insist. It doesnt make me feel better about my choices, and if anything it makes me feel worse.
Doesn’t help that I’m high as shit rn. I took my last vape last night and wanted to get as fckd up as possible (have drunk 2 shots of whiskey, smoked two joints ((so far)) and have a near full pack of Marlboro Reds on me). I planned on going cold turkey starting tomorrow and be fully sober from all vices by next week.
Also also i stopped taking my bipolar meds. This always happens when i start working and become focused on a job. It was easy taking it in residential treatment bc it’s scheduled and you have to pass by the nurses office when you need to leave the building.
You were obligated to keep up with your medications and medical appointments. Besides agreeing to it when you signed the contract needed for intake, you also lost all privileges; including going out for work/daily trips to the store, and therapeutic passes which most clients used to visit family ((passes limited to once every two weeks and you have to submit a request through you counselor where it will be decided during a weekly or sometimes bi-weekly since Samaritan Village was/is severely understaffed and overworked. ))
Now though i don’t even remember I’m supposed to be taking medication, and that i forget I’m bipolar, bad combination.
I’m positive I’m in a manic episode. As well as I’m sure that the medication played a huge part in this. I was taking 400\~mg of Wellbutrin. It lifted me out of heavy depression, increased my metabolism so that i felt and feel fine eating once a day, gave me so much energy i spend most days walking.
I lost 45 pounds since i started taking it. I look and feel the most amazing i have my entire life. I absolutely confident in myself and the person I’m becoming. I constantly tell myself to walk, talk and present myself as the most beautiful, healthy and important person wherever i go.
I’m manic af just typing this lmaooo.
This is a legit cry for help guys. A few more days or god forbid a year of feeling like this and i might start believing i was created and sent by God himself again lol. I have not shared a lot of my story and one day ill tell the whole thing to those who don’t know me/were recently added/ or who have had me added for a while and know a good amount but would like to know more
Cringe to say and give importance to but I’m not a very good shitposter lol. I share what makes me chuckle or silly thoughts i find amusing, but most of all i use this corner of the internet to express myself, give word to my insecurities and share my journey on self improvement after a decade of struggling with addiction, sewer slidal depression, and homelessness.
Im my most vulnerable, genuine, and grateful whenever i post here. I’m trying to apply this to my personal life and interactions with the world (friends, family, co-workers, and strangers alike)
It’s difficult to say the least. I’m glad to able to at least try though. Most of all I’m grateful to be giving life a real shot after such a long period of wanting, wishing and praying i wont live to see the morning.
Thank you if you read this far.
And thank you for being a part of my journey. Whether we interact often or at all, i hope and believe we’re all gonna make it.
Have a great night and enjoy your weekend!!
Id appreciate any and all constructive criticism (even the not so constructive ones, we all need a cold reality check from time to time)