Little bit of back story: I just bought my brother an apple watch, but it wasn’t the newest so he was super pissed. I tried my hardest but there were only 3 open shifts at the coal mine (that’s what we call the club I work at, Hooters) last week after Jennifer canceled her son’s bar mitzvah (the dumb bitch). But anyway he was annoyed all day. It was his birthday and our dad bought bought a new Ipad which was nice, all I got for my birthday was an unlicensed Bee-Movie plushie (party theme was “Chuck E Cheese dumpster diving”).

So to the point. I was at the train station with my brother and our dad. And he put the Apple watch I worked so hard for on craigslist for free to pick up. I offered to give him the receipt so he could return it for cash instead, but he got angry at me for speaking without being spoken to and as the train came up to the platform he leaned on me for support.

I am now dead, and at my funeral my dad said I totally got got what I deserved and I should have just yeeted myself back onto the track. And St. Peter was also like, “why didn’t you just yeet yourself back onto the track”, but I digress.

Was I the asshole for spraying a train platform with my entrails? I held up the L train for like 40 minutes, thousands of Williamsburg coffee shops were forced to shut their doors forever. And they had to clean off the train and platform and everything.

EDIT #1 (First Edit): Hey guys my brother just got arrested so I’m feeling pretty good, maybe it wasn’t my fault

EDIT #2 (Second Edit): Uh, bad news guys the judge found my post and she was like “ugh what a little bitch”

“Also why didn’t she yeet herself back onto the track”

… so it looks like he going to get off with a pat on the back. Sorry again to the MTA and New York City mayor, bill de blasio.