dhttp://floristgump.tumblr.com/archive/filter-by/text feb 2013)
pipe da fuck down
yall better not be super pervy w dis sweetheart
**me as a teacher** “can some1 take a pic of me on this desk for instagram”
do u ever just get mad at non living objects like clothes hanger
ur hand looks heavy. let me hold it for u bru
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired..
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside..
I don’t trust stairs because they’re always up to something..
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind…
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me..
I wrote with a broken pencil the other day it was pointless..
ssomeone just told me “i dont know abotu religion but i bet jesus smoked a blunt”
What the hap is fuckening
i heard kissing is good for u so how about we both try to stay healthy huh
ebay.. more like ebae
ur pre sketchy rn
do you like the word “moist”
do u wanna netflix&chill
My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast..
My friend drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how his Mercedes bends..
do you know whats barak obama’s favorite food? br-o-ccoli
to bae or not bae thats the question
i think sex outside sounds pretty adventurous but what if a bug crawl up ya asshole then what you gone do
I shot my first turkey today!
sccared the shit outt of everyone in the frozen foods section
boys…. don’t let society stop u from plucking ur unibrow
this dumb bitch thinks she could show up online out of no where without apologimizing about her 50 months of abscence when she clearly said shell have a 15 min break bitch get the fuck out of here you dumb hoe you sack of aids
sack of aids
you should llook for a boy who has no social networks
what drugs have made u puke
do you think nut companies whose nuts are given out on planes are highly respected in the nut community or are they like the losers
God bless your eyebrows
So how does it feel to be a goddess in human form?
i wanna go star gazing with u but itd be pointless because i would end up staring at uu the entire time
Your eyes are the color of a forest & weed tbh. But literally bitch if looks could kill we’d all be some dead hoes
your eyebrows could save lives tbh
*cuts off my own penis and wears it as a hat for the sake of comedy*
whaaats gucci
maybe i should send you a bill for all my time you wasted
when u make a milkshake do boys gather around at your home?
i donut know you very whale, but i am down for a pizza that ass
go straight until you hit the light then turn gay
girl did you fall from heaven? cuz you look like youve been in a horrible accident
can u start talking shhit about me
do u evrr just stand up 2 fast n suddenly ur floatin thru space n time
bitch dont kill my vibe
meeoow bitch
*unbaes you*
do you ever just use fudgsicle as lipsttick
hola como estas
*slaps my own ass* damn bitch you thick as hell
*contours and highlights ur ass cheeks*
you know what? chicken butt
Dear Baby Jesus, please suck all my fat out and donate it to the kids in africa. Thank you
so whats it like being rich&hot&famous
ur like 50% idk 50% idc
*prays that my sarcasm is well received when texting a new person*
*prays to baby jesus that i become just as hot as you*
what do you call a frog on a secret mission
infrognito
get it? cus “incognito” is a computet related term
and it refers to surfing anonymously
I started using coconut oil for masturbation and my dick has never looked so healthy!
what do you call a potato with a penis? a dicktater
have you ever like done money laundry
IM OUT OF TOILET PAPER
*kisses your boobs through your shirt to show i love u with yourr clothes on too*
is this song actually good or am i just too far up this bands ass?
My anaconda will consider it
eat fruit and do squats babygirl dont worry bout these boys
stick a tampon in your butt & you will never have to poop again bc the tampon absorbs all the poop
you’ve got to be kitting me
whats your opinions on eyeballs? they can be very slippery when you touch them
do you know whats the slipperiest country? its greece
cuzz greece sounds like grease
on a scale of between analysing Taylor Swift music vvideos to actually reelevant and insightful buddha qoutes, how high aare uright now
its so weird how many months start with the letter j like just think about it
january, june, july, jaugust, joctober
are those eyebrows or caterpillars?
does anyone want to be my virtual sugardaddy and buy me things online for literally nothing in return???
are you from china? cuzzzz im china get yo number girrrrl
Do you like yoga? cuz yoganna love this D
“Excuse me miss, are you related to my keyboard? (No, Why?) “Cause you’re just my type!”
Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?
Roses are red, violets are blue, what will it take to Snapchat your boobs.
Can I stick my USB drive in your USB port?
Baby you’re so cute you made my page 404.
Do you have a Bandaid? Cos I just scraped my knee falling for you.
Was your father a thief? ‘Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
is your dad a car salesman? cuzzz you have nice head lights
Are you African? bcuzzzz African love you!
Are you from Iraq? Cos I’d love to see you Baghdad ass up
i know your Muslim, but would you allow me Dubai you a drink?”
u should donate ur blood like could you imagine if i have ur blood through my veins
does snake have pusspuss?
cum in my wisom tootth holes
have you ever had a boy cum in ur wisom tootth holes
are you a piece of art?? cuzzzz i would like to nail you up against a wall
have u ever been someones cinnamin roll
u look like a hot cinnamin roll that just came out of an oven
would you drain your blood for $$$$$
do you sometimes use cum as a base colour for painting
if i swallow magnets will i become attractive
Me to a 5 yr old: so how do you keep your skin so clear??
not now boner
*parents leave the house*
*immediately starts touching myself*
*teacher hands you test*
“sorry I’m not interested”
shit i forgot to study for my pregnancy test
wanna talk astrology see the acne all over my face what does that tell of my personality
Pretty cool how if you run out of money you can just stab someone and take theirs
*comes to meet you at Starbucks 15 minutes late with Starbucks from another location*
*TIGHTENS MY PONYTAIL*
IF U CANT HANDLE ME AT MY MEMES U DONT DESERVE ME AT MY CONCEPTUAL ART INSTALLATIONS
no offense but if you smoke weed you could die
If anybody asks if they know you from somewhere, look them in the eyes and say, “Do you watch porn?”
all I think about is girls and what my outfit for the next day will be
i saw a bruised foreskin like bite marks nice bitch that came before me
have u ever asked your guy before you swallow whether his cum is vegan?
date a girl who is your girlfriend
i cum quick because i have things to do
im sitting on this chair but its wet but also I dddoont ont care so in summation my butt is wet
can u tease us just liek nicki minaj did to the guy in the anaconda video
ayy shawwtyyy you lookn tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiighhtttt
ur not even ugly cute ur like..obscure cutte. avant garde dude
I hate Americans… They spell colour without the U. Fuckin savage
You’re pretty… Pretty basic.
tbh if I was a vampire id still eat garlic bread
can you say YAAAAS like a really really white girl
If the Zombie Apocalypse starts in Vegas, does it stay in Vegas?
im a walking toothpick
name 3 fruits that are pink
im vibrating slightly because I had too much caffeine
everything in this world is my fault
i really hope you fall in love with someone who makes you question why you ever thought you would be better off alone <3
BITCH I WILL FUCKING CUT YOU a slice of cake bcus ur a cutie n deserve really sweet things although i hate ur stupid glasses.. and do you need anything else? no? *smooches your face bc youre really cute*
ill pay your Netflix for a year if i can have your eyebrows
im still fingering things out about myself 🙂
people cant steal you and take you private what am i supposed to do the whole time ur not there
you can’t be hot and just expect me to act normal
I hate it when people stare at me and don’t say anything I mean if you want an autograph or a picture just ask
So I went to the eye doctor, right, and I sit down to fill out the paperwork like you do and the lady was like “Thanks, Doctor Doctor will be with you in a moment” and I was like why did she say doctor twice that’s weird but then I looked at the business cards on the table and his name was actually Dr. Chad Dockter and I looked around and the other assistant caught my eye and just nodded like “You just had the moment didn’t you”
My dick is now one with my hand
youre so lit it feels like youre a christmas tree!!!
name three vegetables that start with the letter L
so like how did you as a middle school girl skip the awkward stage & go straight to pretty? you get braces & wear blue eyeshadow. do your time.
if you can be a nigga tonight you would be drake
before you go… gotta tell you that you’re a cutie and if anyone tells u otherwise let me know i will light them on fire
*hacker voice* i don’t know the password
how many titties does someone have to suck to become immortal
you make us have really low self esteem cus ur that hot
you make us have suicidal thoughts cus ur that hot
*squats directly onto a dick* *knees crack* hrghgahghg *gets up*
what if poop had little arms so it could help push itself out of ur butt and then wave goodbye as you flushed it down the toilet
What if we can choose the liquid substance that we release when we orgasm? Like she is expecting a typical nut on the face but nope she gets hot sauce in the eye
I think it’s time we own our ugliness… Like I think I’ve come to terms w how ugly I am and I’ve found peace. It’s 2015 I’m tired but peaceful
why dont we have fancy hair designs for pubes
do you remember the first butthole that you saw that wasn’t yours
Me to a 5 yr old: so how do you keep your skin so clear??
is this dick gluten free?
someone probably getting their titties sucked right now and im here just…chillin
i don’t think anyone has called me sexy before someone call me sexy
*sticks firecrackers in ur urethra* its time to freaking party
is your name Nicky because Dan your Bobbie s
doctor: *places fingers on my neck to check pulse*
me: choke me daddy
Yeah you cute but can I trust you with the aux cord?
bitch better suck my titty
whats cooking good looking
I dislike people who put periods at the end of a text w me… Like “yeah sure.” I do Not need this seriousness in my life u Rude ass bxtch!! Bye!!
do people seriously want to vote for Donald Trump? does he have serious voters? people that think he’d actually make a good president?
*naps on your titties*
*bangs fists rhythmically on the table* we want dick! we want dick!
umm NO!
no offense but what the fuck are you doing
*blows kisses at your dick*
if you’re ever nervous about talking in front of people just pretend you’re talking to me about memes bc i will listen and i will care
not to be a bother but pay attention to me
do you ever see someone and wonder what their cum tastes like
*falls in love with the attention you give me but not with you*
not to dictate your life but drop your shitty friends
how doe one acquire a bae?
this song is the reason why africa had ebola
u never know whats going on and i believe its just very sexy of u to be like that
oral
does anyone else convert oxygen into carbon dioxide or is that just me lol
This shampoo was supposed to give my hair volume but I really can’t hear anything
Technically, you can go the rest of your life without eating
Really?
Yeah. You’d starve to death, but it technically was the rest of your life
i just dont dig it when girls are prettier than me ya feel
You ever be soo nasty in ya head u gotta tell yourself to chill???
your bone structure is incredible
i told my lecturer im gonna sue her if she dropped marks off.. how abotu that?
ummm NO obviously
u really just keep getting prettier its kind of alarming like in a couple years it will probably be impossible to look directly at u.. you will be so pretty
gurrl can i get yo myspace
lemme holla atcha gurrrl!
daaamn who you tryna look so cute for tonight
hawaii is my fav place in the world besides by mom and dad’s house cus its got food
why get thinner when you can get more dinner
it really messes me up that you can accidentally create a human life but you can’t accidentally make a pizza
what mascara do you use usually? ur eyes always pop
i wanna sit on a pile of titties
why can’t mosquitos suck out my fat instead
The person who used this toilet before me had a lot of lotion on their ass and now my ass is moisturized too. For. Free. Talk about hustling.
i hate when people ask “who you tryna look good for?!” bitch myself bye
do u have any debt?
do u remember the 1st time u were intimate
im gonna blow you with my dynamit
i think people need to stop glorifying sassiness and bitterness and start promoting the idea of actually being nice and civil to people who did nothing to you.
dear baby Jesus, please give me the strength to not slap this girl today. Thank you
when bae kills the pussy so gooad, you turn into a crime scene
ur hotter than my laptop rn
Honestly ignoring me is the worst thing you can do to me
Oh sweetheart, I can out bitch you any day of the week.
sometimes i think i’m sassy and then i realize i’m just too sarcastic and borderline mean
me: i got shot 4 times… school nurse: lmao just put ice on it
-me in a police car-: officer, can you please pass the aux cord
you should dedicate your life to our lord and savior jesus christ
Officer: are you aware how fast you were going?…. Me: Well my snapchat selfie says 65 mph…Officer: omg add me
*during sex*… girlfriend: why are u laughing…. me: thought of a meme
do u ever wonder what ur most noticeable feature is like what do people see first when they look at u
i’m glad ants dont know how big jupiter is or they would be fucked up about it. i was fucked up about it. jupiter is huge
Hey just wondering but are u fucking kidding me
i think it’s cute when someone admits they have a crush on you
i think it’s a fucking miracle
ask your doctor if shutting the fuck up is right for you
“flirting” aka staring at u and when u look back at me i look away very fast so u wont see that i was staring at u
you know what really gets my goat?
el chupacabra
doctor: here’s your x-ray…. me: ughh i look ugly in this one, delete it and take another one
It really drives me insane that I don’t know how people feel about me. Like am I nice??? Am I funny???? Am I mean???? Am I rude??? Am I obnoxious??? Am I dumb???? What am I????????????????????
u have a posture of a fetus
Heeeyyyyyy I want some ppuusssssssaaaaayyyy
Update: somehow choked on my slurpee
I can see your bra
My whole family has no chill
ur botox ruined your face tbh
8/10 Would bang.
Do you swirl your tea clockwise or anti clockwise?
People with two anuses.. do they shit simultaneously?
ur throwin too much sass
50 shades of dark circles under my eyes
are you a dog person? or an ant person?
have you ever eaten the booty like grocieries? its organic
i think mosquitoes would want a piece of ur a$$
Hate how Arabic writing is an aesthetic to white people but when someone speaks Arabic it’s a terrorist language lmao!
i hate when you have to order at a restaurant, but all the menu items have really goofy or long names. like wtf its so embarrassing to look your waiter in the eyes and be like “yes i’ll have Uncle Jimmy’s Finger Lickin’ Rib Ticklin Hootin-n-Hollerin’ Cajun Heat Super Stack Supreme Cheese Burger.”
I hate it when netflix pauses and asks me if im still watching like yeah you actually think i got up and started doing something with my life bitch put my show back o
what if u had an identical twin that did porn and u like went to the grocery and theyre like “omg i saw u take 3 dicks at once while wearing a turtle costume” and ur like “god dammit gary”
i hate how ur just born out of nowhere and yur forced to go to school and get education so you can get a job what if i wanted to be a duck
you octopi my thoughts
ur kinda ugly today but still cute though
Just because you’re trash doesn’t mean you can’t do great things. It’s called garbage can, not garbage cannot.
you think ur cool but youre just room temperature
if i was hot just like you i would be such a slut
smells like hot diarrhea while someone is mowing the lawn
did ur parents raise you to order something expensive when someone else is paying
listening to lana del rey late at night is scary I feel like my room is going to fill with fog and she’s going to walk slowly towards me and I’ll be defenseless
i wish i were your derivative so i could be the tanget of your curves
thanks im ugly, so ugly i promise im ugly im not ugly
???T? I ???T ?E?? ? O?E? T?I? ?OO? ??? ?O?T
can’t wait for the release of jurassic park 4D where they just let dinosaurs loose in the theater and you have to try to survive for 2 hours
calling me “thirsty” isn’t even an insult it’s a known fact
do u ever see someone reALLY cute in public and you just kinda ( ?° ?? ?°)
If your name is nancy and you get pregnant you will be pregnancy
more celebrities should donate blood like could you imagine having the blood of meryl streep / christy mackrunning through your veins
Going to Mcdonald’s for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
it’s not you’re* or your*. it’s all Mine. everything is Mine
no mom, I cant make my bed, im too busy being a wicked cool bad ass rebel punk also can you make me a grilled cheese
so apparently “normal” people sleep in the pm hours and wake up in the am hours???
why do people even talk to me literally all i reply with is omg
you don’t understand how hard it is to take a selfie when you’re ugly
ur really pretty and adorable and i would take you out on dates and take down the government with u
have you ever been to alaska b4
16:05 07/20/2015does alaska even have chipotle
do you ever have those people that just annoy you so much and you don’t even know why but they just infuriate you
I am in the 1% of the population with this, but I really do not enjoy summer. I love winter, like… if you are cold, you can put on a hoodie, you can grab a blanket and snuggle…. Like… when you’re hot, what do you do? Rip your skin off?
If u take 4 hours to reply I’m still gonna reply fast af cus I love u bitch y u do this to me
observe ur sexual abstinence, ma’am
your eyebrow game is super intense.. like wow
you could hit me with a car and i would still say sorry
yall motherfuckers don’t need jesus yall need intensive psychiatric care
ur confidence offends me
boys, it might look like this girl has big boobs but her bra is actually filled with snacks
all u do is roll ur eyes and sigh
hey just wondering but are u fucking kidding me
ur vagina should be kept in a gated community
i’ll pay you $7 to have a crush on me
my fellow americans there is ebola in murica.. which means we are screwed
i literally have no idea what ur gonna do if u dont end up rich
ur eyes change colour depending on ur swag levels. they are the darkest brown when ur swag levels are at a maximum. i have never seen them change
Shout out to all bugs that stay away from me, you rock keep doing what you’re doing
if you dont still say “wed-ness-day” in your head when you spell wednesday then ur a fucking liar
what if you started making car alarm noises when people u didnt like touched u
i’m in bed and was wondering where my cat is so i was all “oh I’ll just text him” and opened the messages app before i realized what i was doing
yes hello 911 i’m being forced into adulthood and i don’t like it send help
do you ever get in that mood when literally anything pisses you off
you’re lying if you say you’ve never recorded yourself singing because you were sure you had talent and were so deeply disappointed that you just deleted the recording and pretended it never happened
if people looked like their personality, we would have a lot of ugly people in this world.
are we having special oodles noodles show tonight? or just regular noodles
i wish i had pretty pale skin and perfect anime legs and silky hair and pretty full pink lips i want to be cute and wear seifuku why am i am not blessed with cute
could you actually not
i cant even right now
m trying so hard to even
You deserve someone who is utterly obsessed with you
can u imagine how hot id be if i ate right and took care of my body
i’m not gonna do it but can u imagine
hello, is this mcdonalds? ah yes, i would like to make reservations for 2
i wonder what its like to be so hot that everyone gets nervous talking to you
all y’all need jesus
is that a mirror in yur pocket? cuz daaammmn i could see myself in those pants
titties on fleek dafuq
its finger licking good
cloudy with a chance of deez nuts\
how do you catch fog? you cant cus youre mist
i would pay like $7 and one of my family members to be attractive (done)
someone call the fire department
cus this girl is on fiiiiiiiiiiiire
hello miss personality
do you like your tacos soft or hard ;;;;;;;;; )
can you do the Kylie Jenner Lip Challenge
if you eat broccoli on a september 9th your baby will come out with a hornet on his head and people will harvest it for its unicorn blood which is valuable
why did you unfriended me on fb
for the love of all that is holy, please
calm yo rape ass tits
*taps glass to get your attention*
*slides you $20* pls stop ignoring us
I hope a rich guy tips u like $100 today
Boom clap the sound of my heart
i get sexually frustrated just by looking at you (done)
mr steal yo mechanical pencil (done)
r you wearing acrylic nails? this acrylic shit just make u feel 800% more powerful, like u could break boys necks and then blow kisses and wave (done)
and just wondering if men arent supposed to get their nails painted why is it called a MANicure?!? (done)
If we’re friends, there’s a 106% chance that im always petrified that you secretly hate me (done)
idk why people take me so seriously i never even know what im saying
I could probably fit and carry all the groceries in the bags under ur eyes
hey i heard u like bad boys, i dont mean to brag or anything but im really really bad. at everything
can you do the harlem shake (done)
i was watching porn and this guy was like ‘are you ready to taste my cum baby? my cum tastes like popeyes’ fucking bye (done)
instead of saying boner, just say ‘penis blush’ because it pretty much means the same thing and sounds prettier
do hot people know how much we want to be them (done)
i love you with all my dick
i have unlimited texting and i only text 3 people ever i think my phone company looks at my bill and just laughs
i wonder if cows get crushes on other cows (done)
im so mad why arent toasters called tanning breads (done)
50 states
50 stars on the flag
50 bitches in my bed
open your thighs, america
idk my sense of humor is really obnoxious and when im not being obnoxious im being really boring and quiet so i guess i can understand why no one likes me
*passes out from lack of attention* (done)
haha its so awkward when youre digging a hole to hide a body and u find another body
the little mermaid taught me that you should do anything for the d (done)
are u from finland because im going to finnish u tonight in bed (done)
[tour guide voice] now if i could direct you to your left then to your right… bring it back now yall
Masturbate with your pinky up because youre sophisticated (done)
maybe i can ask my wisdom teeth for advice
how do camels have sex? they hump
i try not to sound like an asshole but its really hard because i am an asshole
[looks you in the eyes, pats your knee sympathetically] i don’t care
i literally just choked on nothing (done)
how can nudes leak if theyre not even a fucking liquid (done)
woah girl are you from france ‘cause madamn (done)
i would say heart but my dick is bigger
do you ever wonder if u have a reputation like people u dont even know could have opinions about u
i just asked my brother where he hid the nutella he said “i’m nutelling you”
why the hell do babies cry after they shit themselves like u got urself into this mess buddy dont make it everyone else’s problem. like have some fuckin responsibility for once (done)
what if saliva was just ur taste buds jerking off to attractive food (done)
call me ur highness cos im blazed
my biggest fear is falling and dying in the shower and my family finding me naked
I TOLD YOU YOU’RE CUTE NOW SAY IT BACK
out of 0, how many fucks do you give? (done)
have you ever been detained (done)
your ends are split….
i smell like a sunflower
what do you smell like
call me super glue cause holy shit do i get attached
udders fetish (done)
wheres the customize button for ur face
Hilllllllllllllllllllllllllary Cllllllllllllllllllllllinton
date a boy with dark hair and light eyes, date a boy whos sassy, date a boy with glasses, date a boy with a tragic past, date a boy with strange shaped scars, date a boy who’s defeated a dark lord, date harry potter
this generation is so lazy! get off ur ass and start a war! or ruin the economy or something! how do i send an e-mail! (done)
are you spaghetti cuszz i want you to meet my balls (done)
i think ur just emotionally constipated because i haven’t given a shit in months
Im eating just in case i get hungry later (done)
biisshhh you got bananas
take a chill pill, your honor
can i get a vagina with veggies please? thanks
can i submit your nudes to Dennys for a free breakfast
government pickup line: i know ur tapping this phone call but what you should be tapping is me (done)
*slides seductively on counter* what kind of damn ice cream u want girrrrrrrrl