Steven: Nobody from the show has ever once inspired me. I-I admit, I’ve only seen maybe one or two episodes at the most. I admit i’m not a big fan of the show. \[entire waiting room laughs at him\]

Ryan: Why are you then uh the next American Idol?

Steven: Cuz I can hit the high pitched notes. I think I am what they’re looking for. There’s not that many redheads you see on TV this day and age.

Ryan: That’s true.

Steven: Then the fact that- I look like carrot top, sort of, but ya know somethin’? Everyone says I’m way cooler than him.

\[Enters audition room\]

Randy: Steven what’s up man?

Steven: How you doin’ sir?

Simon: Kay so you’re known as Red?

Steven: Yes sir I am.

Simon: And you’re real name is Steven?

Steven: Yes sir.

Simon: Okay steve, why – um – did you enter this competition?

Steven: I like competition. I figure what- what the heck, take a chance.

Simon: Yep, have you seen the show?

Steven: Honestly, I’ve only seen it a couple of times. I try to keep busy as much as possible.

Simon: That’s okay.

Steven: I don’t- I don’t really watch that much TV.

Simon: But you know what it’s all about?

Steven: Yessir.

Simon: Okay, who do you think you’re as good as in your opinion?

Steven: The lead singer from Queen.

Simon: Freddie Mercury.

Steven: Yes. Yessir.

Simon: Okay, alright and what are you going to sing today?

\[long pause\]

Steven: Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen.

Paula: Alright.

Randy: Alright.

Steven: \* Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? \*

Judges: Hahaheheheha

Steven: \*Caught in a landsl-ide,\*

Paula: That’s not Freddy. Oh my god.

Steven: \*No -scape from reali-ty. O— your eyes, look up to the ski-ies and s—eeeeeeeeeee.\*

Paula: Oh!

Randy: Hehehehe

Steven: \*I’m just a poor boy.\*

Randy: Hahahahaha.

Steven: \*I need no sympathy.\*

Paula: \[snorts with laughter\]

Steven: \*Cause I’m hh-easy come, hh-easy go. Little hh-igh, little low.\*

Randy: Ahhahhahaha.

Steven: \*Any way the wind blows, doesn’t really matter to meeeeeeee.\*

Paula: \[Dies of laughter\] I’m sorry Steven.

Simon: Carry on.

Randy: Carry on?

Paula: Carry on?

Randy: Hahahahawhat?

Steven: I can also do country as well too.

Randy: Ohh yeah, that might be better, oh!

Paula: That’s probably your best genre.

Simon: Steve, I-I’ve heard s-some weird auditions in my life, but I’ve got to tell you that’s possibly the weirdest I’ve heard in my life, I mean it was- it was like a one year old singing.

Randy: Hahahahaha

Steven: Ooh, harsh!

Simon: I’m not being harsh, Steven, but that’s what it was like, it was- weird!

Steven: I’m al- I’m also a little off practice as well too. I mean the last time I took formal lessons was back in high school! Alright?

Simon: And what did the instructor say?

Steven: Back then I was getting all A’s in uh in concert choir.

Simon: And you think that would win you this competition?

Steven: Actually with some practice and with uh- with some- some coaching, I think I can win it, I think I can.

Simon: So it’s just lack of practicing and coaching which is the problem?

Steven: Yes sir.

Simon: Alright.

Randy: Who should be your coach?

Steven: Well if Simon uh thinks that he knows it all and knows what the hell he’s talking about, bring it on!

Simon: Well I do.

Paula: Bring it on.

Steven: Well then come on! You think you’re so damn fucking good,

Simon: Yes!

Steven: Step up and coach me!

Simon: I couldn’t. It would be like coaching the one-legged man to win the 100 meter sprint you know. I I may be a great coach but if ya haven’t got it, ya haven’t got it.

Steven: Hey, the way I see it, don’t- don’t be about it or dont- ay, don’t sing about it, be about it. Alright? Dont sing, just bring alright?

Randy: Hahahahahahaha

Simon: This is just ridiculous, if you don’t mind me saying. And I’m not being rude… really.

Randy: So yes or no Simon?

Simon: No.

Randy: Paula?

Paula: \[shaking head\]

Randy: \[shaking head\]

Steven: Alright.

Simon: Thank you very much.

Paula: Thank you Steven.

Steven: Alright.

Randy: Thanks Steven. Ugghhh