Steven: Nobody from the show has ever once inspired me. I-I admit, I’ve only seen maybe one or two episodes at the most. I admit i’m not a big fan of the show. \[entire waiting room laughs at him\]
Ryan: Why are you then uh the next American Idol?
Steven: Cuz I can hit the high pitched notes. I think I am what they’re looking for. There’s not that many redheads you see on TV this day and age.
Ryan: That’s true.
Steven: Then the fact that- I look like carrot top, sort of, but ya know somethin’? Everyone says I’m way cooler than him.
\[Enters audition room\]
Randy: Steven what’s up man?
Steven: How you doin’ sir?
Simon: Kay so you’re known as Red?
Steven: Yes sir I am.
Simon: And you’re real name is Steven?
Steven: Yes sir.
Simon: Okay steve, why – um – did you enter this competition?
Steven: I like competition. I figure what- what the heck, take a chance.
Simon: Yep, have you seen the show?
Steven: Honestly, I’ve only seen it a couple of times. I try to keep busy as much as possible.
Simon: That’s okay.
Steven: I don’t- I don’t really watch that much TV.
Simon: But you know what it’s all about?
Steven: Yessir.
Simon: Okay, who do you think you’re as good as in your opinion?
Steven: The lead singer from Queen.
Simon: Freddie Mercury.
Steven: Yes. Yessir.
Simon: Okay, alright and what are you going to sing today?
\[long pause\]
Steven: Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen.
Paula: Alright.
Randy: Alright.
Steven: \* Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? \*
Judges: Hahaheheheha
Steven: \*Caught in a landsl-ide,\*
Paula: That’s not Freddy. Oh my god.
Steven: \*No -scape from reali-ty. O— your eyes, look up to the ski-ies and s—eeeeeeeeeee.\*
Paula: Oh!
Randy: Hehehehe
Steven: \*I’m just a poor boy.\*
Randy: Hahahahaha.
Steven: \*I need no sympathy.\*
Paula: \[snorts with laughter\]
Steven: \*Cause I’m hh-easy come, hh-easy go. Little hh-igh, little low.\*
Randy: Ahhahhahaha.
Steven: \*Any way the wind blows, doesn’t really matter to meeeeeeee.\*
Paula: \[Dies of laughter\] I’m sorry Steven.
Simon: Carry on.
Randy: Carry on?
Paula: Carry on?
Randy: Hahahahawhat?
Steven: I can also do country as well too.
Randy: Ohh yeah, that might be better, oh!
Paula: That’s probably your best genre.
Simon: Steve, I-I’ve heard s-some weird auditions in my life, but I’ve got to tell you that’s possibly the weirdest I’ve heard in my life, I mean it was- it was like a one year old singing.
Randy: Hahahahaha
Steven: Ooh, harsh!
Simon: I’m not being harsh, Steven, but that’s what it was like, it was- weird!
Steven: I’m al- I’m also a little off practice as well too. I mean the last time I took formal lessons was back in high school! Alright?
Simon: And what did the instructor say?
Steven: Back then I was getting all A’s in uh in concert choir.
Simon: And you think that would win you this competition?
Steven: Actually with some practice and with uh- with some- some coaching, I think I can win it, I think I can.
Simon: So it’s just lack of practicing and coaching which is the problem?
Steven: Yes sir.
Simon: Alright.
Randy: Who should be your coach?
Steven: Well if Simon uh thinks that he knows it all and knows what the hell he’s talking about, bring it on!
Simon: Well I do.
Paula: Bring it on.
Steven: Well then come on! You think you’re so damn fucking good,
Simon: Yes!
Steven: Step up and coach me!
Simon: I couldn’t. It would be like coaching the one-legged man to win the 100 meter sprint you know. I I may be a great coach but if ya haven’t got it, ya haven’t got it.
Steven: Hey, the way I see it, don’t- don’t be about it or dont- ay, don’t sing about it, be about it. Alright? Dont sing, just bring alright?
Randy: Hahahahahahaha
Simon: This is just ridiculous, if you don’t mind me saying. And I’m not being rude… really.
Randy: So yes or no Simon?
Simon: No.
Randy: Paula?
Paula: \[shaking head\]
Randy: \[shaking head\]
Steven: Alright.
Simon: Thank you very much.
Paula: Thank you Steven.
Steven: Alright.
Randy: Thanks Steven. Ugghhh