Dear miss Gunslinger,

I shall dispense with the formalities and simply state that I would very much like to bite your butt. Specifically I would like to gently sink my teeth into your left buttock, about halfway off center to the left and a quarter of the way upward.

In a quarter century of life on our blue marble, I have never before experienced the desire for biting strange glutes. As such I am not quite familiar with the acts intricacies. I am not quite sure whether this is a sexual act. Be aware however, that I have previously gently nibbled ears, necks, noses and various other body parts and this was generally a physical expression of affection and/or desire.

You shall be pleased to hear that I have perfect dental health. I have never had a cavity or even experienced gum disease.

Were you to have interest in arranging a rendezvous for the purpose of butt biting, please provide your contact information.

Sincerely,

Someone strange enough to not only find this funny, but also take the time to type it out on his phone.