I met a random woman at a pub. After a few minutes she invited me back to her place. I’m driving. She asks me to stop and buy her a subway on the way – extra pickles, onions, mayonnaise. Ok.

We walk into her dump of an apartment and the first thing I notice is the heat. It’s like a sauna. The second thing is the funky smell. The third is the small cages everywhere. Dozens of cages. She sees me looking around confused and tells me she collects hamsters. I’m already thinking of backing out the door but then she slips her clothes off and tells me to sit on the couch. I oblige. She comes back a moment later with a bunch of condoms and asks me to choose one.

She climbs on top of me and we start kissing. She’s grinding away. I’m ready to get it on. Then suddenly she says stop! Ok…I freeze. She gets her disgusting foot long sub and sits there next to me naked and starts eating it. Very slowly and yet messily. Takes about 20 mins. We don’t say a word. I’m sitting there sweating and trying not to breath through my nose and just confused as hell, wondering if she’s on drugs or something, and I’m starting to eye off the door again. Then suddenly she throws her half-eaten sub on the ground and screams, like a war cry, and leaps on me again. I scream in shock. Instantly she’s back to kissing and grinding on me. But this time her mouth and face and hands are covered with mayo and pickles and onion, like a toddler after eating spaghetti. It is gross, but I must’ve still had enough of an erection because she reaches down and grabs my dick, shoves a condom on and mounts me. Honestly she put it on in 2 seconds.

So now we’re having intercourse. And she starts screaming. Loud. Like she’s getting murdered. And then the hamsters start screaming too, like some satanic rodent choir. She’s screaming. They’re screaming. I’m just wondering if I am going to survive the night. Then she jumps off me and bends over, asks me to do her doggystyle. I see my opportunity and I bolt for the door – pecker hanging out, barefoot, leaping over the hamster cages like some demented Olympic event.