It’s pride month, and you know what that means. It’s time to pay reparations for the centuries of abuse that my people have forced upon you people to keep you under our disgusting system of oppression. It isn’t right. If I had a time machine, I would go back in time to when the declaration of independence was signed and get all of those stupid, white founding fathers to smarten up a little! I’d lecture them for hours about the rights that lgbtq+ deserve, and just how talented and kind you and your people are until those white chuds learned a thing or two! But the technology has yet to advance to that stage, so I can’t. What’s done is done, and as much as it pains me I just have to do what I can now to make amends and earn your forgiveness. If I were in front of you right now I would be bowing down and licking your shoes until they were as clean as the day you bought them, then I would become your personal slave to do chores and work for you until you were absolutely sure you could forgive me for everything my people have done to you. Until then, I have to hope beyond hope that you can accept what I’ve said here today and maybe see that I’m not like the rest of my kind. I’m one of the good ones.

 Here’s to you.