Girlfriend was about to take a shower, and was seriously getting her hustle on getting out of her kit. She was making proper fucking haste for the tub, and I realised that all her defences were down.

Note: in my household, bare asses are hunted down and terminated with EXTREME prejudice.

I went for the Mother of All Ass Slaps. It was completely undefended territory, and I was intending to create a masterpiece. I was aiming for that initial dull *thwack* and the resultant perfect, satisfying vibrato, complete with concentric assflesh ripples *à la* that glass of water in Jurassic Park.

I made contact, and immediately discovered the reason for her hurry.

My girlfriend was on the second day of her period.

I learned the term ‘arterial spray’ from Dexter, and have now found its southern companion. I was reeling. She was reeling. Did I say ‘Bloody Mary’ three times in the mirror before spanking dat ass? I couldn’t remember. Fortunately, its trajectory as such was so that most of the menstruation creation spattered handily in the bathtub – including The Clot: a penny-sized curd of uterine lining best visually described as Gumby’s aborted cousin.

Unfortunately, our bathmat did not escape entirely unharmed. Its cleaning was immediately and firmly relegated to ‘boyfriend work’.

By the way, has anyone seen The Thing (1982)? Good movie.

Tl;dr: slapped dat ass as my girlfriend made a beeline for the shower; blood. So much blood.