Steve looked in from the window, shocked by what he saw. How could Veronica, his love and the lady of his life, have dumped him for Jamal? His mind raced to find an answer – there must be a way for him to compete with Jamal. Suddenly, he had an idea! One short trip to the grocery store and Veronica would be his once more.

“We are minions!” Steve thought as he entered the produce section of the local 24-hour Walmart. “And minions love fruit! There’s fruit here that’s much larger than Jamal too!” He eyed the produce, which at this point was slightly browning from being left out for a few days. Undeterred by Walmart’s signature food quality, he knew what he had to do.

Jamal and Veronica were finishing up in his apartment, when suddenly they noticed something was wrong. It seemed… cold? They looked over at the door, and noticed that it had started to ice over. Without warning, the door shattered and ice smashed across the room as Steve burst through, Gru’s freeze-ray in hand! Blood was spraying all over the room from Steve’s self-castrated scrotum, where the organ had been forcefully replaced by a large browning banana crudely lodged in the leftover hole.

Veronica screamed in terror as Jamal fainted from the sight. Steve smiled, and slowly walked forward, grinning. Truly, today, HE was the alpha minion.