Fuckin’ headin’ to the brew. Headin’ tae get my giro and I pass this couple o’ buses at the side o’ the road. Everybody’s pilin’ aff the front wan intae the wan behind. Auld folk like that: “This is ridiculous, never used tae be like this with the corporation buses”. I wis like that: “I see, we’ve got ourselves a breakdoon”. Checks to see where they’re aw headin’. Yoker. And I just pissed masel’ laughin’. “Haa”. Cause Yoker’s wan o’ these places I only know from the front o’ a bus. Never been there. Don’t know what it’s like, just this pure mad fabled land that sounds like a pure mad egg yolk. So I was watchin’ everybody gettin’ on and tryin’ to show their tickets to the driver but he wasnae havin’ it. Just wavin’ em on like that: “I know where yees came fae, I can see the bus. What do yous think I am? Daft?”, and a wee voice in ma heed says “Dee Dee, I know you’ve got tae get your giro, but the brew’s always gonnae be there. But this on the other hand, is a wance in a lifetime oppurtunity. Go for it”. So I just went like that: “Fuck it”, and I joins the queue. Soons as I do, the driver starts checkin’ people’s tickets. I was like that: “Aw here, forget it”, but just got pure caught up in the slipstream, beltin’ it towards the moment of truth a a hunner mile an hour, heart poundin’, pulse racin’.

Dee Dee: “What it is, is”

Bus driver: “On ye go mate”

Dee Dee: “Cheers”

I did it. So there I wis, birds eye view. Wizzin’ by the brew like that: “Ta ta giro, maybe some other day, eh? Cause am on the bus.. tae Yoker”. Couldnae believe what I wis hearin’ in my heed man. Seriously, this wis actually happenin’. But then I thought: “Hawd on, don’t get too excited. There could be somebody along at the back o’ yer nut hinkin’ “Here, who’s he? He’s no fae Yoker. He’s got nae buisness bein’ in this bus. Get his heed kicked, man.”” Turnt around tae see if anybody was lookin’. Naebody. Got away wi’ it. Just pure got away wi’ the lot o’ it. So I loosened up and started chattin’ wi’ folk, get a wee bit o’ local knowledge ‘fore I got there.

Dee Dee: “So is this bus for Yoker, aye?”

Woman: “Aye.”

Dee Dee: “I’ve just moved there, is it any good?”

Woman: “Aye it’s a lovely place. I’ve lived there aw ma life, Yoker born and bred.”

Dee Dee:”So you’ve never wance what Yoker’s like? Mind bogglin'”.

Half an hoor later, I start seein’ the signs: “Yoker Newsagents”, “Yoker Post Office”, “Yoker F.C.”, Yoker evreythin’. They even had a barber that rhymed wi Yoker; “Hair by Les… Porter”. What are the chances o’ that?

Dee Dee: “Here, what’s the bets his name used tae be Smith or somethin’ and he just changed it tae fit in?”

Woman: “Wit?”

Gets tae the terminus. Everybody starts pilin’ aff. A hits the driver wae my charms:

Dee Dee: “Driver, when’d you leave?”

Bus driver: “Five minutes.”

Dee Dee: “A conked oot and missed ma stop. Any chance you could print us out a ticket so I can nip aff for a fag?”

Dee Dee: “Cheers.”

And I puts ma first step on tae Yoker soil. I wis in Yoker, I though this day would never come. Is it really this easy? Is it really this easy tae get the ‘hings ye want in life? Ye just need tae hawd oot for it? Aw o a sudden I had the urge tae just go like that: “Here! Am no fae Yoker, Ave got nae buisness bein’ here”. I wis like that: “Calm it Dee Dee. That’s nae laughin’ matter. They’d tear you to shreds. You got five minutes. Where’d you wanna go? Wit do you want tae do… in Yoker?” I knew excatly what. I had tae. I had tae find oot. I couldnae leave without findin’ oot what this wis aw aboot. Bus wis a million miles away. I thought: “Dee Dee, you truly are in the outer reaches here man. Middle o’ naewhere.” And I went into the great unknown wi’ a fuckin’ ding. Tae ask one big question on everybody’s lips.

Dee Dee: “Les Porter?”

Les Porter: “Aye?”

Dee Dee: “Has your name always rhymed wi’ Yoker or did it used tae be like Smith or somethin’, or?”

And then I though: “Dee Dee, you just blown yer cover, big time. Fuck you playin’ at man? GO! GO!” Got oot o’ there before they started chuckin’ their scissors at us like ninja stars. ‘Fore big Les caught up tae us and stomps ma heed in a wall. Ten seconds tae get tae the bus man, that’s yer lifeline. What’s it start doin’? Starts movin’. I was like that: “Naw man”. Felt like geein up.

Dee Dee: “Here! I’m no fae Yoker, Av got nae buisness bein’ in Yoker. Here!”

Let them finish me aff like a pack o’ mad wolves. But I just kept runnin’ for ma life like I had Leatherface on ma tail. Gets tae the bus, but he wouldnae let us in. I was like that: “Setup, whole things a setup. Them that were on that front bus. Actors. Actors. Load o’ them actors”. Door opens and a bolts up the stairs, right under the seat. Didnae dare poke ma heed up for the next half hour in case they goin behind on a minibus, gaspin’ tae feast on me like a shower o’ mad zombie pirates. Picks a moment. Up the road. Up the stairs. In the hoos. Lock, lock, lock. Scary man, scary. But the best day o’ ma life.