Let’s say, hypothetically, that you spoke Latin, and thereby understood the language. Now let’s say, hypothetically, because you’ve lived a long time, and spoken this language, as we’ve previously made clear, you’ve probably made some outlandish statements from time to time. Now, imagine that at one point in your life, which happens to be now in the timeline, you believe and say aloud, “magnam nates amo et fallere non possum.” This roughly translates to “I like big butts and I cannot lie.” Because you said you “cannot lie,” this statement is undeniably true.

Therefore, hypothetically, if you are living in Roman times, which the previous statements suggest, then you may have been the first to say those words. And then and there, non-hypothetically, you would be the original writer of Baby Got Back. This means you are not only ancient, but you are also my metaphorical sugar daddy.

–Shen Bapiro