I turned down the one chance in my adult life to get my dick sucked by a hot slut because I wanted to get to know her better. Never got another chance because getting to know her didn’t go well. One time an argument (I can’t even remember the argument) started in a diner we were in and she paid for our food just to cut the outing short and storm out, even though actually she still needed a ride home and couldn’t really afford to both pay for the food and a ride home for herself, and she had left her jacket in my car, so she only actually succeeded in storming out to make me look like an asshole then meet me in the parking lot for an awkward ride back to her place.

Anyway, she was from a different part of the country and I wanted to show her around the local area I had grown up in while I was getting to know her but she hated everything good and liked everything shitty that was ruining the area. I remember her hating every restaurant I took her to, including that diner she stormed out of, and I remember being profusely anxious about whether she would like that diner because she had said according to Gordon Ramsay a place with more than some tiny number of items on the menu has to suck and diners obviously have highly varied menus so I wasn’t sure why she was even letting me take her to a diner at all unless they’re somehow exempt from this rule.

I really wanted to show her the video of Gordon Ramsay getting his shit rekt in a cook-off with James May. I really wanted to argue with her about the fact that I myself could fucking beat Gordon Ramsay in a cook-off with zero training if the judges weren’t biased, you can tell just from the sight of his cooking and how he cooks. But there were already too many arguments with a girl I was trying to get to know so I didn’t have the balls to start arguments of my own.

I wish I had gotten my dick sucked when I had the chance, and told that bitch Gordon Ramsay can suck my dick too. I don’t think I’d have been that savage even if I had known she wasn’t gonna end up liking me either way, but I kinda wish I had, since she wasn’t gonna end up liking me either way.

Also, why the fuck did Anthony Bourdain have to kill himself? That guy was cool. There is no justice in this world where Gordon Ramsay, an elitist prick who is famous for being a cook but shits on better cooks than him for daring to have the balls to disagree with elitist bullshit even when the people disagreeing are themselves far more elite than him (like James May), gets to live a happy sheltered life, but Anthony Bourdain somehow gets his feelings hurt to the point where he fucking dies when all he did was just be a normal TV chef who could totally interact with James May without making an ass of himself.

Look, it all stems back to that video of him being such a sore loser about James May actually knowing how to cook instead of just having a bunch of elitist bullshit memorized that people use as arbitrary cooking metrics instead of taste. It’s a perfect metaphor for my life, except instead of James May I’m some guy, and instead of Gordon Ramsay it’s society, and instead of elitist bullshit about cooking and metrics of cooking it’s bullshit elitist and otherwise about everything, and instead of winning a cookoff with a panel of unbiased judges it’s being exhausted by an endlessly escalating cookoff that nobody ever wins because there are no judges and everything’s made up and the points don’t matter.