Genshin Impact puts you in the role of ‘The Traveler’, which can be either male, or the weaker sex. Depending on which one you choose, the alternate option will take the role of your sibling and lover, and serve an important role in the story.
The game starts out with a phenomenal cinematic cutscene unparalleled by the likes of industry titans such as Blizzard, Ubisoft and EA. A gripping action sequence that pits you and your sibling against a mysteriously hot unknown woman that utilizes Tetris blocks as weapons to destroy you.
Your character is knocked unconscious in the battle, and wakes up on a beach in a strange land known as Teyvat, inexplicably separated from your sibling. After a brief exploration of your surroundings, you encounter a loli drowning in a lake, and take advantage of her precarious situation by saving her with a fishing rod that you conveniently happen to come across.
Now forever indebted to you for saving her life, the creature introduces herself as Paimon, a name you may recognize as being one of the ten kings of hell in the Ars Goetia.
Despite her role in the murder and possession of multiple generations of an innocent family in the movie Hereditary, she freely offers herself up as your servant… In whatever capacity you may desire… In your quest to find your incestuous lover.
As your character is often too lazy to speak, this proves immediately convenient, as your new floating companion will instead communicate your desires for you when encountering new characters.
Shortly after rescuing Paimon, you encounter a statue which grants you the elemental power to control the wind. This ability serves immensely useful throughout the entirety of the game, as it gives you the ability to summon strong gusts of wind to lift the skirts of any women in your immediate vicinity.
As you continue your trek through the land, you run into a strangely feminine, androgynous looking boy attempting to seduce a dragon. Startled by your crass interruption of their mating ritual, they abruptly flee and leave behind a glowing plot device in the form of a crystal.
The commotion attracts an underage girl in red, who stops you in your path and demands that you explain your presence in the Kingdom of Mondstat. You abruptly profess your vore fetish by describing Paimon as a source of ‘Emergency Food’, and admit that you are hopelessly lost. She introduces herself as Amber, a member of the Knights of Favonious, which is an order dedicated to protecting the countryside from degenerates like yourself. Despite your obviously debased nature, she offers to escort you to the city of Mondstat, so that you can be properly processed and persecuted as an illegal immigrant.
Mondstat is described as the ‘City of Freedom’, despite its conspicuous lack of firearms. In actuality, Mondstat is inspired by the socialist nation of Germany… And shares many parallels with the country. For example, Mondstat is known for its production and consumption of alcohol, and the vast majority of its citizenry spend their days in a constant state of inebriation, accomplishing little in the means of productive labor. Even their local deity, Barbatos, is a known drunkard. Also like Germany, Mondstat is militarily weak, and relies on buffer zones of undocumented asylum seekers in order to secure its borders.
Upon your arrival at the immigrant detention camps outside Mondstat’s walls, the dragon that you angered earlier swoops down in an attempt to destroy the city. Using your newfound powers of wind, you manage to repel the creature and subsequently make every citizen of Mondstat indebted to you, thus freeing yourself and Paimon from being forcibly confined within the local ghetto.
A grateful Amber introduces you to the Knights of Favonious, whose leaders consist of a David Bowie impersonator with an eyepatch, a surrogate librarian mother who seeks to sexually dominate you, and their caring leader Jean, a woman with sumptuous thighs devoted to fulfilling every need of the citizens of Mondstat… And I do mean every need.
The order entrusts you with the task of investigating several shrines throughout the area for suspicious activity, which they unknowingly believe is the source of the dragon’s ire. The other natives of the region attempt to thwart your investigation, thus introducing you to the games’ antagonists.
The first are the Hilichurls. They are a primitive tribal race of beastmen with little interest beyond pissing off people on Twitter, pillaging the local region and sexually subjugating the women of Mondstat. As they are heavily inspired by native tribal cultures throughout the world, your role throughout the game is to fulfill the manifest destiny of the nations of Teyvat by committing genocide, exterminating them in order to make way for economic expansion and the imperialistic exploitation of the natural resources under their control.
The second are the Abyss Order, a mysterious group with unknown goals led by tiny floating wizards wearing funny masks. Due to the Hilichurls’ limited mental capacity, it is widely believed that the Abyss Order actively manipulates them into performing coordinated attacks against the city of Mondstat and its holdings with promises of shiny objects and child brides.
The third are the Fatui, which is a well-known pseudonym for the Russian Romanov Empire. They secretly infiltrate many nations, including Mondstat, under the guise of furthering diplomatic relations, only to opportunistically attack at a moment’s notice to further the goals of their empress, Catherine the Great. Much like modern day Russia, they seek to install puppets into positions of power and enact coordinated cyberattacks to undermine the infrastructure of rival nations.
After investigating the shrines, the androygnous practitioner of beastiality whom you first encountered in the forest introduces himself as Venti, and confesses that he is secretly the God of Wind. He then asks you to commit sacrilege by stealing the Holy Lyre of Mondstat from the local church, which is guarded only by incompetents and Jeans’ younger sister, Barbara. He claims that the Holy Lyre can be used to calm the dragon, which has gone mad due to unfulfilled physical urges. Fortunately for you, Barbara is but a simple-minded teenage girl with delusions of becoming a KPOP star.
Utilizing your sharp wit and skills of manipulation, you manage to trick Barbara into believing that you are a manager representing the Korean music industry, and convince her to sign an exploitative contract that forces her into a lifetime of indentured sexual servitude. Shortly thereafter, you make your way to the Holy Lyre only to have it stolen right out from under your nose by a Russian ‘Cicin Mage’.
Cicin Mages are the Genshin equivalent of Russian prostitutes; powerful creatures possessing a high libido that are often used to lure local politicians into compromising situations so that they can be filmed and blackmailed.
Fortunately, Batman arrives on the scene to help you retrieve the Holy Lyre from the iron grip of Russian Hegemony, thus allowing you to enact Venti’s plan. Venti then uses the plot device you recovered earlier to restore the Lyre’s power.
With the empowered Lyre in tow, you proceed to the Dragon’s lair along with the Knights of Favonius and Venti. Venti attempts to use the Lyre to calm the dragon, but fails because he is a useless femboy.
A climactic battle ensues, with our rag-tag band of deviants and adventurers facing off against the Dragon, Stormterror, head-on.
This fight has been widely lauded by both hardcore gamers and veterans of the gaming industry for its use of sophisticated mechanics and complex systems, and requires immense preparation and planning to master. The few players that manage to defeat Stormterror are rewarded with a paltry sum of in-game currency as the dragon falls, finally giving Venti the chance to satisfy the creature and quell its anger.
This victory is short-lived, however, as once you return to Mondstat, you are ambushed by the Russians once again. The leader of the local forces finally reveals herself, La Signora, which sounds spanish for some reason. La Signora proceeds to use her high heels and powers of domination to step on both you and Venti, soundly defeating you while revealing her true goal of capturing Venti’s ‘Gnosis’ for Vladimir Putin.
After you recover, it is explained that a Gnosis is a chess piece that grants a god their powers, thus rendering Venti even more useless than he was before, aside from being a convenient source of bussy.
Broken and ashamed, Venti encourages you to proceed to China and introduce yourself to the local deity, Xi Jinping, in a vain hope that you will be able to stop the Fatui from procuring his Gnosis as well.