I was at the market this morning, shopping for midgets. I like buying midgets because they’re so cheap. At the market you pay by the inch, so a three-foot midget is half the price of a six-foot person. When all they’re doing is housework and cleaning, you don’t need the extra three feet. The dealers give me a discount because nobody else wants midgets, and when I buy in bulk they shave a few percent off the top. It’s a good deal.

Now, midgets are not quite as good at some things as regular-height people. Sooner or later, your midget workforce will encounter a job meant for taller men. With a little creative thinking, though, you can maximize your midget potential. Field work seems impossible, until you give them bigger scythes to reach the tall vegetables. Scrubbing the roof? Forget about it… unless you install midget trampolines to let them reach the roof. Getting back down I haven’t figured out yet, but that’s OK because midgets are cheap. Playing basketball is tricky. Stacking midgets solves this nicely though: a two-midget high tower can compete with anyone, and a three-midget version, with the right well-balanced midgets, can be a nine-foot-tall rebounding force on the court.

All of this was in the back of my mind as I haggled with the midget dealer. We eventually settled on forty dollars for ten midgets, with two thrown in free if I paid cash. How could I say no to a deal like that? So I paid my money and headed for the car, an even dozen midgets waddling comically after me. With two more midgets than I’d been anticipating, maybe tonight would be midget-boxing night. Or maybe midget-baiting. Or maybe even both; the night was young, and I was ready for excitement.