This book was an absolute fucking dumpster fire to have to sit through. I barely even made it through the first two chapters because the writing was just that abysmal, but even now I have MORE than enough information on the book to write this review. So sit back, strap yourself down, and enjoy this shit show with me.

I first came across this book in an excerpt that someone posted on the VERY well known hellsite known as Twitter, and upon reading it, I knew this had to be one of the worst pieces of literature known to man. So of course, as any other normal human would want to do, I decided to locate the actual book online and find a PDF of it to read, and therefore critique. Well, let me fucking tell you. It becomes increasingly obvious with every additional sentence that this book is a sorry attempt at PwP (Porn with Plot), and every sex scene in it has the most abhorrent fucking dialogue I’ve ever laid my eyes on in all my years of reading. (Seriously. Who in their right god-damned mind asks about his partner’s ROOMMATE hearing the clap of his fucking BALLS against her ass [or however straights have sex, I don’t fucking know] in the middle of FUCKING her?!) I’m not going to go in-depth right now, but trust me. There will be ZERO fucking mercy when it’s time for that.

The first chapter alone was a portal into a world of perverted assholes who don’t know how to distinguish their cocks or clits from their fucking brains. Oh, but it’s okay because they’re college students, right?

Wrong.

This author has clearly never been to an actual university before. If she had, she’d know that a college is next to one of the WORST fucking settings in which this story could take place, solely for the fact that nobody was getting insanely depressed and panicky over things that were actually fucking important, like student debt or going to class. Instead, she chooses to write all the men like airheaded jocks and half of the women like “Daddy’s Little Girl” characters who get ALL of their funding from their parents. Seriously. Half of the fucking characters are blonde, and even more feel like every single 30-year-old actor playing high schoolers in every shitty romance movie ever to be released. Now, I will cut her a little bit of slack for doing the money thing with characters who go to school in California, but that cut is disappearing into thin fucking air. Have any of you ever seen the pricing of houses in California? If you haven’t, I’ll save you the painstakingly simple Google search now and tell you this: IT’S FUCKED UP. You’d have to be some god-awful variant of Elon fucking Musk in order to be able to afford housing there. I don’t give a rat’s ass how rich these students’ parents are—there is no way in HELL that they can afford to take this extra money out on their children’s education in a state as unreasonably priced as California.

While we’re on the topic of that, this is a story where the main female lead Anastasia is a figure skater, a pairs skater to be specific. The male lead Nathan is, of course, a hockey player. Because we all LOVE tropes like these, right? Now, Anastasia is an aspiring Olympian athlete, right? Then WHAT in the everloving FUCK is she doing in California??? Her coach expects her to be landing a quadruple Lutz when she could just as easily be doing this training in Colorado Springs and getting SO much better experience?? This girl is a junior in college and has been figure skating for at least FIFTEEN FUCKING YEARS and you expect me to believe that she hasn’t landed a SINGLE quad Lutz in that entire time??? There are figure skaters in the world that are younger than her who’ve landed quads in PROFESSIONAL COMPETITION by this point. Take Alexandra Trusova as a good example. A Russian figure skater who’s barely even eighteen years old who was the first to land a quad Lutz in 2018, AND a quad FLIP in 2019. I shit you not, this girl was landing them when she was barely old enough to drive, and here we have a full ass ADULT who’s been skating for so long struggling to land even ONE. I do not place the blame on Anastasia, I place the blame on whatever sorry excuses for trainers she had in her life, which is all thanks to the author of this god-damned story. Put her in Colorado with an actually good fucking trainer and she’ll be landing quads left and right.

The hockey player was a different story because hockey is, quite frankly, utterly stupid. But also, I absolutely REFUSE to believe that it takes a man whose only skating experience is playing HOCKEY anything short of a fucking DECADE to learn how to become an ice dancer. He’d literally have to re-learn how to skate because his sorry ass spent two decades of his pathetic little life skating on CURVED blades with a different means of centering himself and staying balanced. But of course whoever the hell made the bland ass, boring ass cover didn’t know that and decided to give Nathan FLAT BLADES. Cover illustrator, have you lost your FUCKING senses??? Have you never SEEN a pair of hockey skates in your LIFE???? Anyways, hockey players are also terrible at maintaining a figure skater’s posture. You can’t exactly blame them for that—I mean, come on, they’re HOCKEY players. And there is no fucking way that Nathan, no matter how skilled he may be on the ice, will have anywhere NEAR the amount of effective training necessary to learn how to be an ice dancer in the short time that he and Anastasia are going to be given. Put simply, Anastasia is royally fucked unless she suddenly decides to switch over to being a solo skater. Realistically, that’s her best fucking option at this point so that she doesn’t have to drag Nathan through years of ballsack-ripping torture just so that he can learn to do a decent spiral without crying out in pain. Seriously, hockey players have awful flexibility skills. Take one fucking look at what they do and try telling me that they have ANY need for the splits. By the time Nathan gets the proper training to become a pairs ice dancer, he and Anastasia are going to end up in the boots of the ONLY realistically written character of this entire book—the ‘beloved’ coach, Aubrey Brady. My only critique with her is the fact that, as we learn through the painstakingly annoying exposition-fest of the first chapter, she’s so obviously Western European and not an ACTUAL Russian/Slavic character, because let me tell you, Slavic people are the hardest of asses when it comes to figure skating training. Anastasia needs a better coach desperately.

Now, here comes the real doozy of the hour. That’s right, I fucking told you I wouldn’t be leaving this alone. The sex scenes. You can hardly even call them that. Honestly, it’s pretty fucking telling that this story was written by a straight woman, because there is NO way that this was anything short of a fantasy of how it COULD feel for a girl to actually get a genuine fucking orgasm from a cisgendered, heterosexual male. Somehow, this is getting straight white girls on Twitter to scream and cry and yell about how hot it is, and I can only imagine it’s because they crave an actual orgasm for once. The sex is whatever. It’s subpar. Readable? Sure. Enjoyable? FUCK no. You’re including so much fucking filler dialogue that this could very easily be mistaken for a Hentai edition of a Naruto episode. Not even kidding, all 279 of Naruto’s filler episodes could be revealed to be the inspiration for the dialogue of the sex scenes in this book and I would not be the least bit fucking surprised whatsoever. The preview of this book that I was shown on my timeline was a snippet of the sex scene between Nathan and Anastasia, so since I already poked fun at the ball-slapping “excitement” (cringe-fest) that was the sex scene between the basketball team’s point guard and the APPARENT best candidate for half of a pairs’ figure skating duo, let’s have a little look into the very short snippet with which I was provided. I will say that this book is a rather educational read with its inclusion of these scenes because it taught me one thing about straight people:

They are literally nothing short of the most embarrassing people to ever exist.

To be fair, I kind of knew about this already, but the fact that this book gives ZERO redeeming qualities to them just makes it even more annoying of a pill to swallow because the way Nathan acts when he and Anastasia have sex is just so fucking cringeworthy. “Whose pussy is this, Anastasia?” he asks her. AND THAT’S NORMAL TO YOU????? Is Nathan in heat? Can he smell some weird ass pheromones emanating from Anastasia’s body? What the fuck is this, a fucking omegaverse AU ripped from Wattpad? Clearly not, because even those characters have FAR better writing than this sorry ass cheek clapper. And trust me, the fact that he calls her a “good fucking girl” does NOT help his case. And one more thing about all this overly articulate dirty talk. HE IS A COLLEGE STUDENT. There is not a single college student on this plane of existence that is well-spoken in the fucking BEDROOM, ESPECIALLY not straight boys, because all they care about when they’re dicking someone down is just that. If they were out of college, even as young as 25, it’d be slightly more believable, but a 21-year-old hockey player who was proven to be some hungover dickhead assface in his first fucking appearance is NOT a man who knows what to say in the bedroom. Then again, straight men never know anything to say. I’ve seen better entertainment from them on Pornhub. PORNHUB.

All in all, this book was thrown onto shelves and I seriously hope that they stop producing copies of it everywhere. The fact that people genuinely enjoy this just makes me fear for the future of the decline in literacy. I genuinely and wholeheartedly believe that straight girls just want to read whatever books will give them their silly little orgasm fantasies and that’s literally all these types of books are good for. Don’t fucking read this book if you want to stay sane.