Dude saltwater crocs are the shit. In fact, I’d argue that crocodiles are the coolest damn animal on earth. Like seriously, imagine looking at the event that killed the dinosaurs and going “and what mate?” Like it was NOTHING to crocs. They just chilled in the water like “sure, meteor? That’s nothing pal.” They can grow to be more than 20 feet long. *20 feet long.* Imagine 3 Shaquille O’Neals lined up end to end and running at you at up to 11mph. Because oh yeah, crocs are *really fucking fast.* Some of them can even gallop.


On top of that, their jaws are *super strong.* Like take the world’s strongest man and tell him he can shove his bulk up his sphincter, because he hasn’t seen the power of a croc closing its jaws. Now, they do have a hard time opening their jaws because those muscles are so weak- probably because a croc has never once had to open his jaws unless he damn well wanted to. That’s why in captivity, for transport, they often have their jaws taped shut or held closed with huge rubber bands.


Oh I’m sorry, did I portray crocs as being weak for a second there? My mistake, these prehistoric units are absolute omnivores. They don’t care what you are or how tough you think you are, *they will eat you if they’re hungry.* Their diet may include fish, deer, wild boar, buffalo, Brock Lesnar, a Boeing 747, a couch, a caravan, the entire state of New Hampshire, the Canary Islands and every animal in the Lion King, including every single wildebeest in the stampede scene. They don’t care about how they get their food either. If a big tough predator like a big cat kills something, a croc will happily come over and say “cheers pal I’ll be having that.” And the big cat will say nothing. Because if he does, the croc will eat him too. Oh, and did I mention that crocs have the most acidic stomachs of all known vertebrates? That means that it’ll dissolve bones, teeth, clothing, steel, precious metals- you name it, the croc can and will eat it.


So these crocs are pretty tough, right? There’s got to be a trade-off somewhere, you’d think. Nope. Guess again pal. Crocs are also intelligent hunters, and have been observed to use twigs as bait to hunt birds during mating season. The croc will balance twigs on their snout and submerge themselves in water. When the birds fly over, they swoop down thinking “awesome, some twigs for my nest!” Then the croc jumps out all “tweet tweet you chirpy fuck guess again” and eats the bird for being such a gullible dumbass.
They’re also highly sociable, being able to create over 20 unique messages with vocalisations alone. Most crocs are also tolerable of other crocs, so be prepared to face the wrath of an entire gang of them if you piss one off. Not that it’ll need the help. After all, this is a *goddamn crocodile.*

Larger crocs have an average lifespan of around 70 years. Some can even live for over a century. So if you ever annoyed one and somehow managed to get away, don’t think you’re outliving that basking behemoth.

In conclusion, crocodiles are as badass and cool as they are terrifying. If you see one, I hope you’ve made your peace with this mortal coil, because it’s already too late.