Don’t get too upset, this wasn’t a pet, it was just resident in my house.
All summer I have had a large house spider living behind my sofa. This thing is huge (spider not sofa, that’s normal size), I once considered capture with a pint glass but was unsure if it was sufficient circumference to do so without breaking a leg. At night (s)he would scamper out and explore the space behind the TV or sit behind the radiator (even though it wasn’t on). In the early weeks (s)he would walk along the walls but recently the increase in size meant this was not possible and I would hear a dull thud from a failed attempt and contact with the carpet, I guess a diet of my crisp crumbs isn’t good for spiders.

I haven’t seen him/her for a few days, until this morning when I found the shrivelled corpse of my housemate under the breakfast bar. I do feel a twinge of sadness but also a touch of fear. Either toast crumbs are poisonous to spiders (in which case what are they doing to me) or there was a Battle Royal in the kitchen with another spider and sofa spider lost. How big is Kitchen Spider? Do I need to buy a cat? A Dog? A Lion?der? Do I need to buy a cat? A Dog? A Lion?

[credit to u/m-1975 on /r/CasualUK]