Listening to Mom Jeans doesn’t make you emo. Wearing those vans with the white stipe doesn’t either. You think you’re emo because you drive a Miata and cry at Denny’s, or because you’re a member of Midwest Emoposting on Facebook? You’re not emo. Have you ever even listened to Indian Summer? Has your voice cracked screaming “WHY AM I CRYING?” at the Native Nod show in a hot basement on the east coast? Have you ever been punched in the throat by Bob Nana after getting drunk and throwing beer bottles at a Braid show in Kenosha? I didn’t think so. There is no more emo anymore. Emo died in the 90’s and all this stuff that people call emo now is just the ghost of a long dead scene. Even bands like Loma Prieta are just a parody of what real emo once was. None of you are emo. You’re just scene kids that grew up and think you’re cool now because you like the Front Bottoms and pretend to listen to Cap’n Jazz while drinking overpriced PBR’s at a downtown venue. Real emo isn’t about vans and Miatas and shitposting on Facebook groups. Real emo is about reevaluating your life at middle age and realizing that you went to too many shows when you your young and maybe you should have spent that time and money learning how to play the stock market. Real emo is playing a basement show for free with your mostly balding bandmates because you need free beer because you just paid your rent. Real emo is pure misery and you fake emos seem so happy.