Okay so look, I like anal sex just as much as the next guy. It’s tight, it’s a…right of passage of sorts, it looks AMAZING to have your Womb Raider in a ham flower. I get all that. But what’s not amazing? Gaping. To keep it a buck, if I look at my S/O’s Coco Puffer and it looks back at me, I will escape like Batman during a rooftop conversation.

So for one, it’s an asshole. And when it’s open, it really drives home the fact that this thing dispenses chocolate. Thats…just not it. The only brown thing that should be on either of our minds during sex is my penis

2. It just looks…ugh. Like little bit of open ass? Cool, sure fine. You’re doing anal, you’re gonna see it. You wanna see it even. But if I can see the red meat of your asshole? I am evacuating the premises. Swiftly. I’ve watched porn where there’s an anal scene and I’m tryna catch a good shot or whatever, I catch a glimpse of assmeat and BOOM. Instant disgust. Hell, once I saw a girl with a dildo the size of John Cena’s neck, right in the sphincter. And that’s the day where I really had to take a week or 2 to think about where I went wrong in my life.

3. How the FUCK do you close that thing? I’ve had big poops before. I’ve had some drop the toilet and the water splashes me right in the Leather Cheerio. And when that happens, I am APALLED. I feel so…violated. And that’s some people, all the time? (Maybe? I don’t think so, but it’s possible) I mean what if a stray fly got into your asshole??? What if a gust of wind hit you in the seam of your jeans and you whistled an entire Kid Cudi album out of your Turd Cutter? That’s the opposite of attractive. (Obviously those are jokes)

I know a LOT of dudes love gazing into an open asshole like it’s the Sun and you’re a 5 year old…but gaping is SO not for me.