FADE IN:

EXT. A BUSY STREET – THE BUS STOP – DAY

*Two young men stand at a pickup point for a city bus, both of them looking impatient. These are DAVE and STEVE. For several seconds, nothing happens… until Dave shifts his position slightly, and the sound of raucous applause becomes audible.*

**STEVE:** … New ringtone?
**DAVE:** Hm?
**STEVE:** Your ass just started cheering.
**DAVE:** Oh, yeah, sorry. I had that burrito last night.

*A moment passes in silence.*

**STEVE:** Sorry, *what?*
**DAVE:** It’s a tortilla wrapped around a bunch of…
**STEVE:** (*Interrupting*) I know what a burrito is! What does that have to do with your ringtone?
**DAVE:** That wasn’t my ringtone.
**STEVE:** Text message noise, then, whatever.
**DAVE:** No, dude, I just farted.
**STEVE:** … You just farted.
**DAVE:** I already apologized! What more do you want?
**STEVE:** An explanation for why your fart sounded like a standing ovation would be nice.

*Dave sighs and shrugs.*

**DAVE:** Look, a few days ago, I got into an argument with a woman at the grocery store.
**STEVE:** Uh huh.
**DAVE:** Don’t give me that look! She was trying to buy *all* of the cat food!
**STEVE:** So?
**DAVE:** So, I needed some!
**STEVE:** You don’t have a cat.
**DAVE:** That’s irrelevant. Anyway, it turned out that she was a witch.
**STEVE:** No, she wasn’t.
**DAVE:** Was too.
**STEVE:** Witches aren’t real!
**DAVE:** Well, her curse sure was.
**STEVE:** Oh, right, let me guess: She cursed your ass so that it has its own laugh track!
**DAVE:** Don’t be stupid.
**STEVE:** You’re the one…
**DAVE:** (*Interrupting*) She cursed it so that all of my farts sound like…

*He trails off. Another round of applause becomes audible, along with hoots and cheers.*

**STEVE:** Look, you and I both know that… ugh! Oh, god, that’s *rank!*
**DAVE:** Yeah, I think the burrito might have been a bit dodgy.
**STEVE:** I don’t…
**DAVE:** (*Interrupting*) Take it from me, cat food *does not* go well with beans.
**STEVE:** You are relentlessly determined to gross me out, aren’t you?
**DAVE:** Hey, you’re the one who’s so obsessed with my flatulence.
**STEVE:** Well, excuse me! I’ve never known anyone to have an appreciative audience in their pants!
**DAVE:** There’s no audience. It’s just the *sound*, dude.

*Steve rubs his forehead, exasperated.*

**STEVE:** It is entirely too early for this sort of insanity.
**DAVE:** Yeah, I heard that. I need some coffee.
**STEVE:** Sure. Great. Let’s just stop talking about it.
**DAVE:** … Although I should probably warn you about something.

*Steve makes a noise not unlike an irritated sea lion being woken up.*

**DAVE:** (*CONT’D*) The thing is… well, we all know what coffee does to sensitive bowels.
**STEVE:** Stop.
**DAVE:** I’m just saying…
**STEVE:** (*Interrupting*) *Stop*.

*Neither man speaks for a few seconds.*

**DAVE:** It’s just that the curse does something else when I… you know.
**STEVE:** Ugh.

*A bus pulls up to the stop, and its doors open. Steve hurries to climb on.*

**DAVE:** (*Shouting*) You do like jazz music, right?

*Steve does not respond. Dave ponders for a split second, then climbs onto the bus. A chorus of applause follows him.*

FADE TO BLACK.