The news hit hard today. Another tragedy in another town, when will it end? I anticipate the tens of upvotes I will earn for my reflections tonight. But for now I stock the aisles, row upon row of cans and boxes, each one demanding attention and extolling its virtues as if it isn’t all just hi-fructose corn syrup and salty carbs, unyielding in a constant stream of…anyway, the idea grows deep in my mind as I count the hours until quitting time. Oh yeah this is good. Real good. Hot Take coming through loud and clear! Once home I rush to my computer, my voice, my…dare I say it?….my MEGAPHONE where I can truly communicate with my audience, the ones that love me and I them. I rail silently, my keyboard clacking and groaning under the weight of my WORDS and my IDEAS! An insignificant voice natters at the fringe of my genius, calling me away from the source and I slowly realize that it is my mother, whom I love and take care of in exchange for a place to stay and food and clothes and shoes and her car. She is saying something about bags and I almost had the solution to abortion and guns but she’s blabbering away about GARBAGE??? “Mom, goddamnit I am BUSY!” I shout but she threatens to stop paying for internet service so I leave mid-sentence “You see, using the Hoffenbender Quartex…” and storm up the stairs giving Mom a look she won’t soon forget. I even huff a little to frighten her, oh if she only knew of the hours I spent honing my katana skills she would take the garbage out herself! Her unshorn fuba creates a mound underneath her mu-mu and the faint smell of unwiped ass greets my extremely refined olfactory sense; I grab the bags, full of empty swanson boxes, cigarette stubs, FDS spray cans and foil pans, easily without effort and take it to the curb. I rush back to the keyboard, my old friend and the conduit for MY IDEAS and I stare at the unfinished sentence before me. Yes, the Hoffenbender Quartex it was the solution to…what was it….shit I had it there for a second. Porhhub sends another “Pegging” video notification, this time it is a big fat guy getting shanked by a petite Asian and its “close-up.” “Gee I wonder what he did to piss off that diminutive Asian?” I think to myself. “One look won’t hurt” I say under my bated breath, knowing full well I will be spewing into a Brawny towelette within 5 minutes. Abortion and Guns can wait 5 measly minutes, right? “I probably won’t end up down the pegging rabbit hole this time” I tell myself as I use one hand to navigate to the site and the other blindly seeking for a moist towelette discarded on the floor.