I feel that I have discovered the catalyst for my current psychological phenomenon. Taking the current world situation and culture during the pandemic in context for my condition is the key to understanding my bashful misery. My secret pain. The burden that feels like the Sisyphean boulder that rests upon my shoulders. I can clearly recall never having serious romantic feelings for fictional 2D characters pre-pandemic. I have taken into account that due to social isolation and boredom, I started watching anime to pass the time in the past year. The person that introduced me to my first real anime was a girl I started going on dates with at the time whom I met on a private Minecraft server. She was very into anime and suggested we watch the show Erased together. I was immediately hooked and felt a connection between the characters on the screen and felt as if I were living along with them in this world. It was a form of escapism that I missed because at the time I didn’t own a PC and was reluctant to play console games. Shortly after, this girl broke off the forming relationship with me and stated that she had found out she was lesbian. While I was devastated by this unexpected blow, I filled this empty void with new relationships. Relationships with fictional characters on a screen from animes such as *Your Lie In April* and *Attack on Titan*. I’ve fallen in love with the likes of Levi and Mikasa Ackerman, Kurisu Makise, and Mai Sakurajima. When I visit what were once familiar sites to me in the depths of the night, I find no excitement nor desire to pleasure myself. When I once enjoyed browsing the “Top Videos of The Week” section, I now feel irresistibly compelled, my finger like a magnet, to the “Hentai” section. And once I have reached my destination, my desires are insatiably awoken. Due to this sensitive state of mind I was in, I felt that I reprogram my brain to show physical disgust when concerning real life human relationships. I gag when thinking about sexual actions with one who does not reside on my computer screen. While this was going on, I continually grew my relationships with these 2D anime people. These relationships were something new. They felt mutual and fulfilling. The void was filled.

Now months later I sit in my bedroom ruminating on these facts and creating a hypothesis on how they psychologically affected me. I feel empty and estranged from society. When I meet the man I once knew in the mirror, I only find a stranger. A disgrace to its very existence and this cuts my will like a knife. I would rather die then face this consequence. I will admit this disorder is troubling and my friends expressed much concern for my recent departure from basic human norms. I believe this disorder is just as serious and along the lines of major depressive disorder, schizophrenia, and multi personality disorder in how destructive it has been to the structure of my brain. In the humble words of the musician Will Toledo, “I don’t want to have schizophreniaaaaaa.” I am not yet to come to terms with my newly formed sexuality and I hope to find solidarity by releasing my sentiment to the public. This is a journey that I fear to partake in alone.