I have incredibly vivid dreams where the only plotline is that I say the N-word. I want to start this by saying that I do NOT say the N-word. Years ago, in my foolish youth, I used to say it though. In order to try and stop saying the N-word, I would see how many days I could go without saying it. The first time I managed to go 3 weeks I was beaming with pride. Eventually, after several failed attempts, I managed to get to a year. During this time period, I sometimes had dreams where I would say the word in front of some of my friends, and thus I would have to reset ‘the counter’ (I kept public track of how many days it had been). This dream haunted me. Out of thhe 365 times I went to sleep that year, I counted 122 different dreams, where the only event I could remember was that I said the N-word. It haunted me. I woke up with the stress, knowing I had failed, and I would have to reset the counter. Sometimes, it was hard to differentiate the dreams from reality. I was confused whether or not I had actually said it. But I knew my friends would tell me if I said it.

 Years later, I am a function member of society. I attend a prestigious university and have a valuable internship, with an internationally recognized company. I was driving to work the other day, listening to my favorite artist, Juice WRLD. I usually have a playlist that only has his songs without the n-word, but it autoplayed onto the song BANDIT. I was just singing along when suddenly, I had realized what I had done. My years of sobriety had been ruined. I decided not to tell anyone because of what the consequences might be. I started counting the days I could go without saying it; but the dreams have returned. I don’t know what to do. I woke up in a cold sweat three times last night. The same dream each time. I’m out for drinks with my friends, one of them makes a dumbass joke, and I call them a “stupid ass n-word”. Please for the love of god. Does anyone else struggle with this dream?