Like many of you, I fired up Mario Odyssey in honor of the games three year anniversary. And as I started playing a thought struck me: Mario has a massive schlong in this game.

Consider:

1. Marionis defeated by Bowser in the opening cinematic and plummets to the ground from high atop an airship. This is a fatal fall. The only chance of survival would be either a parachute, which Mario clearly does not have, or helicopter dicking with a big enough dong to create an upforce to slow the fall. (Edited.) Original: Much like in my dreams.
2. The main game mechanic – tossing cappy to capture other characters – would take incredible BDE
3. There are 14 worlds in the game. In numerology, the number 14 is associated with an absolutely monster sized cock. We can all agree thats a big part of Mario Odyssey, right? BUT, having a 14 inch pinch would also hurt a woman and would have to mean he’d put it in my little boy anus.
4. The Broodals are representations of the Moon Rabbit Motif. Rabbits fuck alot, I meant this ones kind of obvious.
5. The first creature you possess in Mario Odyssey is a frog. A frog just happens to be the first animal that I put in my own asshole. Also: when stretched out, they are very long, a metaphor for Marios ding dong.
6. Did you find it odd that Luigi and Yoshi aren’t (initially) in the game? Well it makes sense now. Mario doesn’t want them to see his raw sexual prowess.
7. In Buddhism, a journey/odyssey is the most common metaphor for pounding my asshole.

So there ya have it, folks. Definitive, unequivocal, unimpeachable PROOF that our homeboy Mario has, alas, somw unbelievably large spaghetti and meatballs.

Fortunately, I think that playing the game is an opportunity for Mario to finally stretch my asshole another 3 inches. More on that later.