*Alright- No no no, no, I’m gonna- no, I’m gonna do the fucking new- no.*

Here is *the fucking news:* Ex-Commercial TV PR man, Oldie Tony, and and occasional pig fucker David Cameron would like to bomb Syria, unfortunately Russia got there first, and America’s been doing it for ages. He wants to bomb Syria to stop the flow of refugees fleeing all the bombs. He’s also hoping it will stop the increased influence of Islamic Extremism. Bombing Syria will, of course, destroy the one remaining multicultural society in the region, leaving it open to the increased influence of Islamic Extremism. To bomb Syria, therefore, is completely **mental**.

In other news- *No, no no no no.* I’m doing- no, **I’m doing the ne-** I’m doing the ***fucking news.***

***In other news,*** *in* other news: Muslims are *bad,* China is *bad,* but not as bad as it used to be, and Russia is always ***bad.*** Nuclear weapons are good, and to suggest not using nuclear weapons is **bad.**

Onto the economy: Debt is good, corrupt banks are bad, but not bad enough for us to do anything about them, and poverty in the UK is a figment of your imagination.

Onto housing: Jeremy Corbyn’s plans to build affordable housing and create social housing for the poorest people in our society is a terrible idea, that’s according to multi-millionaire, property magnet, and all-around shit-pot, *Sir* Alan Sugar.

Environmental news: Theres nothing to worry about, so please carry on consuming at your usual rate.

And finally, tonight; Entertainment: Matt Damon’s intelligent and articulate observations about sexuality and Hollywood means that he is *definitely* a ***homophobic twat***.

My name is Jonathan Pie, and that was the ***fucking news.***