With the announcements of lockdowns on Thursday I didn’t have the energy or words to describe how I was feeling.

I plonked myself in the bath for half an hour and cried before I dragged my sorry ass out and wiped my tears clean before I had to continue tending to my loved one.

I haven’t shared my full story on social media to avoid any full blown conflict within my own personal life, but I’m done.

I am beyond tired of having to remain silent in order to keep those happy who prefer to sit in silence and refuse to face the harsh realities we’re dealing with.

I am beyond tired, exhausted and at the point I feel physically sick each day stressing about what lockdown means.

For some, life is sweet, it’s Netflix and chill.

For others. Life isn’t so easy.

Me? Recently I quit my full time job to provide 24 hour full time support to my loved one. Yes. That’s right, I was working full time and always have despite what some people may think. I have always stood on my own two feet not relying on government benefits, and despite my current situation even if I wanted to seek help I am not eligible.

For those that aren’t aware, I have a family member who is battling terminal cancer.

The last 12 months have been the most chaotic of my entire life.

Lung cancer and brain cancer is horrific.

I’ve had to watch someone I love, a mentor, a teacher, the most independent caring kind and compassionate woman deteriorate right before my very eyes.

It has been traumatising to say the least.

Throw on top of that, lockdowns.

Have you ever had someone hold you, cry in your arms and ask why a doctor wouldn’t let you into the clinic because of a recent hospital visit? I have.

Have you ever had to argue with a nurse and doctor after they kept your loved one in a hospital for hours just to decide they changed their minds and won’t perform a biopsy because they decided a covid test is more important despite the fact they had been gowned and waiting in a hospital bed for hours? I have.

Have you ever had someone call you, days after brain surgery, just to tell you they can’t do it anymore because the isolation in hospital is just too much to bare? I have.

I could go on about the amount of interference from government restrictions in our hospitals and doctor patient relationships which is nothing short of inhumane. This is just several examples, and there are so many more 🥺

The amount of days I’ve sat at home and cried my eyes out, wondering when the time comes, how on earth I will deal with the restrictions imposed on funerals, breaks my heart every single day.

So whilst some people sit around and label people like me who speak out about lockdowns selfish,

Tell me this.

How is the girl, who sacrificed her job, income, and dedicates 24 hours of her life to care for someone else’s because their wishes are to remain in their own home, and I refuse to let someone be stuck in isolation in a facility, Selfish?

It has cost me my job, my income, my livelihood, and breaks my heart a little more each day.

To the nurses and doctors that HAVE been supportive and done everything within their power to support myself and my family I am beyond grateful.

To the ones that lack empathy care and understanding, I pray you never end up in a situation like mine.

To the people on social media who have thrown messages or comments of support, I too thank you.

Again… to the people that think every single post I write on social media is selfish or laughable, I will pray the situation I’m in never happens to you.

It is the most heart wrenching, emotional roller coaster that will test you in ways I can’t even put into words.

So I beg of you all. The next time you label someone ‘anti-lockdown or selfish’ perhaps stop and consider there may be a whole set of circumstances they’re going through you couldn’t dare to dream of 💔

Covid?

Let’s not forget how many lives are impacted daily by cancer. Mine is one of them; and watching it take the life of someone I love on top of every other issue we are facing right now, is indescribable 💔