One day I woke up, and I heard a knock at my door. This was a common occurrence in the Soviet Union. I opened the door, and saw a soldier, holding a broken bottle of vodka. I let him in and gave him a blanket. He told me a sad tale I’ll never forget. He said he was walking through the wastelands, scared, and alone. It was 0300 hours, and his squad had been mostly taken out by the cold weather. The only light was his lantern, but it was going to run out very soon. As he wandered the wastelands, he looked over the horizon and saw a hut. It was in a particular swampy location, such that he began to question what it was. “I have to investigate” he said. The texture of the swamp was sticky. He approached the hut and went inside. He opened the door and saw an empty house. He opened a door that seemed to lead to a basement. There was a strange purple glow in the room. What he saw next made him soil his clothes. Behold, Shrek about to snap with the Infinity Gauntlet. “No!” the Solider yelled, aiming his AK-47. “My child, I do not have time for your silly games.” Shrek said, about to snap again. The Soldier acted fast, and threw an UNO reverse card at him. Shrek ran into the light source and vanished. It was a Portal, a Nether portal. The Soldier remembered this from the hit game called “OurCraft”. He ran into the Nether Portal. As he ran through the fortress, he was met by 700 Wither Skeletons, who were mercenaries for Shrek. These guys meant business, and it was apparent by the way they held their sword. The Soldier sat down and chanted a Russian Orthodox Hymn, blessed himself with the cross, and then he grabbed his bucket of milk and bolted. The withers approached at a high speed, standing on the side of the fortress. With a powerful swoop, the soldier took down every wither with a single bottle of vodka. The Soviet Anthem played triumphantly as the burnt bones fell into the lava below. He looked and saw Shrek, catching his breath. The Solider yelled and ran at Shrek, suddenly, Shrek shrieked like a madman and crawled on the floor. The Solider had his AK ready, and he was right behind Shrek, when suddenly, Shrek used his spider powers and webbed across the Chasm! The Soldier was stunned and aimed his custom turbo AK-47, and he was about to shoot, but then he heard someone from behind him! “Zamnoy” the voice said, and as the Solider looked, Behold, NEMO! Nemo swam through the air and landed next to the soldier. “We don’t have time, get on me!” Nemo said, flapping his majestic wings. The Soldier sat down on the Majestic steed and charged at Shrek. Shrek was no novice. He webbed through the hills, the lava, and even webbed the Ghast. “Surrender!” the Soldier said, chugging the remaining vodka. Shrek turned around and said “No, I am lean mean and gr-” his sentence was cut of, as he was yeeted with the stock of an AK-47.
As Shrek lay in the soul sand, begging for mercy, the Soldier approached.
He looked at Shrek, and uttered these words:
“You are accused of anti-soviet behaviour. The court finds you guilty and sentences you to be shot.”
Nemo grabbed his SVU and – bam – Shrek was no more. The Soldier was sat down, shocked, and ready to go home. Nemo spoke only a few more words back to him: “My child, return to your nation.”
Nemo drew a huge sickle and hammer and threw the Soldier in it, and he awoke in front of my house. All he has left to remember his adventure is a broken bottle of Vodka.