My fellow Americans,


I come to you today with an important announcement. As your President, I have made a decision that may surprise some of you, but I assure you it was made with careful consideration and in the best interest of our nation.


You see, I have recently become an avid gamer. And while playing Fortnite, I realized that our nation’s oil reserves could be put to better use as premium skins for my avatar. I mean, have you seen some of those skins? They’re amazing.


Now, I know some of you may be thinking, “But Mr. President, what about our energy independence?” Well, let me tell you, we don’t need oil when we have skins that make me look like a futuristic space soldier.


And don’t worry, I didn’t just trade away all of our oil reserves. I kept some for emergencies, like when my internet goes out and I can’t play Fortnite. But let’s be real, that’s not going to happen because I have the best internet in the world.


In conclusion, I urge you to embrace this decision and join me in playing Fortnite. Together, we can make this nation a world leader in premium skins. Thank you, and God bless America.