By EatDatPussy445

[Intro]

EDP: Alright, so I’m gonna to tell you about the time that I almost shitted on myself at high school. K, well in high school.

EDP: So it was back in what, 2008, 2009 somewhere around there. And it all happened when I was in my teacher, um, Mr. Flynn’s class, you know, web design, you know. And you know how in web design they have like a whole bunch of computers, of course you’re assigned to like a single one or whatever.

EDP: So I went on Yahoo images, you know how you can type up Yahoo images or Google images, and I typed in chili cheese french fries with pastrami meat, okay. And for all you guys that don’t know what that is, here’s a picture of it right here.

[Image of said item appears briefly]

EDP: You know, good ass shit, really good stuff. So, what happened was… I-I don’t know what the fuck happened after that to be honest with you. Um… my stomach started feeling messed up, and you know I had Mr. Flynn for my third period, and I had first lunch, you know.

EDP: That goes 1, 2, 3, first lunch, then of course you have 4, 5, 6. So after that class, I went to lunch and stuff and my stomach was all fucked up, man, and I refuse…

EDP: ANY NIGGA KNOWS… I REFUSE, and if ANY MOTHAFUCKA WITH HALF A BRAIN knows, you can agree with me on this. Nigga, I refuse to take a shit… in a restroom at school. There is no way in fuck, man.

EDP445: You’re taking a shit, you got mothafuckas comin in… *Sniff sniff*

Random Kids: Oh my God, it stinks, it smells like shit in here!

EDP: It’s a restroom mothafucka do you expect to smell like fucking fabreeze? Do you expect it to smell like fucking air freshener? It’s a bathroom, it’s SUPPOSED to smell like shit and piss and ass! Dawg, okay… It’s supposed to smell like old dirty ass fucking nuts. It’s a restroom, it’s supposed to stink, okay. It ain’t supposed to smell good.

EDP: And of course you’ve got gay ass motherfuckas, when you’re tryna take a shit, you’ve got gay ass fags that like to h-hop over the stall, of the door and shit, they be like…

Kid: Ooh, whatch you doin?

EDP: I’m taking a shit, you know… like gay ass people, they like to take tissue, wet it and then throw it over the banister and stuff. I remember this gay ass fag, I was taking a piss, right? And somebody came up under the door stall, and he was like…

Kid: Ooh, whatch you doin?

EDP: I turned my dick around and I pissed all in his fucking face. I’m taking a piss you stupid mothafucka. Gay ass mothafuckas, man, hate when people do that shit. But anyways, I refuse to take a shit up in a pub- up in a public restroom at school, you know what I’m saying.

EDP: Um, after that, I went to my fourth period class, and by the time I got to my fifth period class nigga my stomach was fucked up nigga I was like… just staring cos I was trying to hold in my asscheeks, I was trying my best not to shit on myself… I was like…

EDP: And I was sweating and shit, everybody was like

Friend: Yo Bryant, are you okay?

EDP: I’m telling my friend like no man, I’m bout to take a shit, i’m bout to SHIT ON MYSELF MAN!
He’s lookin like

Friend: Then why don’t you go to the bathroom?

EDP: Man fuck them bathrooms, man like fuck that. Ain’t no way i’m sitting in a bathroom at home man, or at school rather, my fault. So fifth period went by, sixth period went by, and then the main thing that really fucked it up was that I had a class after school, I said fuck that class, you know.

EDP: Sixth period went by, I had Mr. Carro, man, you know he’s like a filipino guy, really cool as fuck. He’s like…

Mr. Carro: Bryant, are you okay?

EDP: I’m looking, I’m looking like, yeah, i’m cool man, you know I’m just having a bad day, i’m tryna get the FUCK out of this class, okay. He’s lookin like…

Mr. Carro: Yeah, yeah, I feel you, man. I understand. Hey can you do me a favor and take the attendance to the office?

EDP: I’m looking like, NIGGA FUCK THAT ATTENDANCE MAN! IM TRYING NOT SHIT ON MYSELF! IM TRYING TO NOT SHIT ALL OVER MY GODDAMN SELF. IM TRYING NOT TO SHIT ON THE FLOOR, IM TRYING TO NOT HAVE THIS MOTHAFUCKIN, um… MAIN BUILDING GO UP IN FLAMES, because God knows, if I take a shit right here, right now, It’s not gonna be good for everybody, okay?

EDP: My shit stinks so bad, it could clear a FUCKING FUNERAL HOME OUT, okay, real talk! So he’s looking like,

Mr. Carro: Okay I understand, I understand, I understand.

EDP: I’m looking like, i’m glad you do understand, understand, understand. He’s looking like…

Mr. Carro: Alright, i’ll get somebody else to take it.

EDP: I’m looking like… my man, preciate it. So what happened, was, after this shit takes, all this shit takes place, I’m like, get out my class, um… loud ass car passed by, get out my class, I called my mom, cos I had to walk and catch the fucking bus, I said fuck that.

EDP: I called my mom, up on my cell phone, I’m like, ayo mom, you know, where you at? You need to come pick me up, she’s looking like…

Mrs. Moreland: Mothafucka, i’m on the pearl harbor freeway, the harbor freeway!

EDP: I’m looking like, Mom, she’s looking like…

Mrs. Moreland: Yeah?

EDP: I’m lookin like, you can ground me later, I know you’re gonna get angry when I say this… but i’m looking like, mom, please, please, please, please. If you love me you will come and pick me up, because I have to take… a fucking MEAN ASS SHIT. I have to take a shit, and I am about to fucking shit ALL OVER my fucking self.

EDP: PLEASE! PLEASE COME GET ME! I’m begging the FUCK out of her. I’m begging the fuck out of her, man. And she’s looking like…

Mrs. Moreland: Alright, man, just hang on, man, I’ll be there in about like 10-15-20 minutes.

EDP: I’m looking like FUCK, you know, man. As I’m waiting, that was the longest 15-20 minutes of my fucking life, man. So I’m waiting for her to come, I’m waitin, I’m waitin, I’m waitin and she finally gets here, and I hop up in the car… I’m lookin like mom… FLOOR THIS DAMN VAN. Floor it.

EDP: So we finally get to the house, man, and I TOOK A SHIT, for almost, I would say THREE AND A HALF-FOUR HOURS. I got up on that shitter, man, pulled my pants down, and all the fuck you heard was… PLLLAAKAWEWEWEW *Intense fart noises*

EDP: I w- NIGGA, I FUCKED THAT BATHROOM UP! I was shittin, so mothafuckin hard, nigga. Like… I’ve never felt so closer to heaven when I let that shit out of my system. It was like the closest thing to fucking heaven!

(Long Pause)

EDP: I fucked that bathroom up.

EDP: After that, I took a shit, I fell on the floor- I took a shit, I WIPED MY ASS, Haha you know what I’m saying, washed my hands, got me som- well I ain’t even get nothing to eat, fuck, nigga my mothafuckin, nigga the fuckin insides of my stomach just felt so fucking relieved, you know what I’m saying…

EDP: I took a shit, wiped my ass, went upstairs, and fell the fuck asleep, I was passed the shit out.

EDP: And there’s the time I almost shitted on myself.

EDP: Um, until next time it’s your boy EatDatPussy445 checking the fuck up on out of here, uh let’s go mothafuckin eagles tommorow, let’s go birds… All day erry day, I’ll be streaming live on TinyChat during the game, I’m gonna go get me some food from… fuckin Leo’s.

EDP: And you guys have a good one, holla fucking back, HOLLA! Let’s go Eagles.

[Outro]