Bear with me as this is a long story, but I ever since I can remember, I have been infatuated with masturbating. When I was younger, my family wouldn’t say what I was doing wrong. They would just say to me “Don’t do that at church!” and “Your grandma feels very uncomfortable babysitting you”. The only person who supported my self-exploration was my Uncle Billy. Billy always encouraged me to not be ashamed of it. In fact, Billy would often come over to help me with my masturbation and participate with me. When my mom told me to stop touching myself so often, I replied to her “Uncle Billy tells me it’s normal and he sometimes helps me with it”. Two weeks later, Uncle Billy moved to Alabama and I haven’t seen him since.

As I moved on into my pre-teen years, I started to experiment more and more with my self-pleasuring. I was no longer satisfied by humping the soft, plush, oversized teddy bear my aunt gave to me when I was 3. I needed something warmer and more life-like. That’s when I began my banana phase. My banana phase began when my mom packed a banana for my lunch, but it was a little bit too overripe for my liking. Being the good person I am, I decided I couldn’t waste it and I needed to put it to good use. During lunch, I went to the bathroom with my banana and slowly peeled back the tender layers of the fruit I was about to make forbidden. I slowly inserted my Johnson into the mushy potassium-filler and went to town on it. After I was done with it, even Satan would have been ashamed of the scene in that bathroom stall. Over the next year, my mom questioned me when bananas would start to disappear. I would tell her “I really think I need more potassium than the average person”. She accepted my excuse, but deep-down she knew what was going on.

One day, I began tired of normal, mushy bananas and decided to warm one up in the microwave. As soon as the tip of my penis touched the warm, gooey banana, I know something was different. I had felt a different sensation than I ever had. After two minutes of thrusting the gooey mush, I orgasmed for the first time in my life. If I had to describe it, it was like riding on a unicorn into the end of a rainbow and finding that pot of gold you’ve been searching for your entire life. For the next 7 months, I partook in this same act so many times, I almost filed a trademark claim for the term Banana Cream Pie. However, when I entered high school, I know that I had to do away with this phase if I ever wanted any friends. Two weeks before high school, I stopped using bananas and started doing what normal teenagers do: watch porn.

I had just received my first smart phone for my birthday that month prior to entering high school and my parents could no longer monitor my browser history at every moment. So on August the 22nd, 2010, I watched porn for the first time in my life. Watching porn for the first time can only be described as the feeling a puppy has when he/she goes 3 hours without seeing anyone, and then suddenly having 105 people wanting to play with him/her. I never realized how many different types of porn there was until I experienced it firsthand. There was porn for big boobs and small boobs. Porn for every color person of the rainbow. Sometimes, the colors even mixed. I tried to explore every video out there, but there was just so many I couldn’t keep up. For many years, I tried to keep up with every new video that came out, to the point of watching videos in places I shouldn’t have. In November of 2011, my grandma passed away. At her funeral, I had to sneak away to satisfy my urges to some Midget MILF porn, but grandma would’ve understood. After all, it was only mourning wood.

My junior year of high school, I got a little better at controlling my habit. It was like I was Lupin from Harry Potter; except I was trying to stop myself from masturbating to porn in inappropriate places, not stop myself from becoming a werewolf. My classmates would actually sit near me for the first time in years. They no longer had to be worried about being within the “splash radius”. My friend Derek actually told me that I was pretty cool person when I didn’t jerk-off in the back of class every day. Still, there was an uneasy feeling brewing inside me. On a brisk February morning of my senior year, I finally caved in during an assembly for my English teacher. My English teacher was receiving a national award for her outstanding dedication to the art of teaching. During the assembly, a picture of her as a college freshman was displayed. I don’t know how to describe it other than it was something the way her left shoulder was so bare and vulnerable that finally set me off. On those bleachers, I whipped out all 3 inches of my penis in front of every student and faculty and started going to town. It was like an Olympic 100 M dash; lots of chaos and over in 10 seconds. When I looked up to see the damage I had done, I couldn’t help but notice what had happened to the brown-haired beauty in front of me. She was absolutely covered with my sweet, salty excrement. It was as though I had perfectly iced the top of a cinnamon roll. Security was called, and I was suspended for a month.

During my suspension, I traveled to Vermont to visit a masturbation therapist. He was the first person since my uncle Billy to reassure me that I wasn’t some sort of demon. After my time spent in Vermont, I learned some useful techniques to control my habit. For example, he suggested that whenever I feel an urge coming to me, he suggested I listen to Nickelback until it goes away. It made my urges go away, but it also made me want to jump off of the nearest bridge with weights tied around my ankles. Nonetheless, his guidance led me to believe I was in control of my life for the time being. After I graduated high school with no further incidents, I looked forward to forgetting my past, and starting a new life at college.

During my first semester at university, I realized just how wild other kids are at masturbating as well. I lived in a quad my freshman year, and one of my roommates choked his chicken so often that he actually had to rip his bed sheets off of himself in the morning just as a child peels glue off their finger. I also learned that girls masturbate just as much as guys do. My good friend Becky told me that she got so horny once as a teenager, she ended up using her electric toothbrush to D.J. the downstairs. Oddly enough, she got a gum infection a week later. As the semester went on, I realized that I wasn’t that much different than the other kids. In fact, I was normal compared to some of them. For the past two years, I have accepted that masturbating isn’t an abnormal life calling. I’m sure there are many more college students out there who have a similar mission in life. I have learned that it’s okay to watch BBW Ebony porn in class because there is a good chance someone else is doing the same thing. I go to a very accepting university and I have never been judged for what I do, or where I do it. In fact, my university is considering being a test market for the new world of virtual reality porn. I have already signed up to be their first participant if that were to happen.

As of this moment, I am content with my purpose in life. I am going to masturbate in as many places as possible in my final semesters at college and leave this place with no regrets. When I graduate, I plan on starting a reality TV show where I have hand-to-gland combat in a different city every week. Half of the show will consist of flogging the one-eyed snake, the other half will consist of providing informative information about the chosen city. This show will air on the Disney Channel from 4:30 to 5:00 on weekdays. I plan to be a pioneer in the masturbation TV show industry. I want kids to look up to me as a person to model after. I want to make sure every girl and boy in this world thinks it’s okay to masturbate wherever they feel the need to. I am going to be the face of self-pleasuring and I hope to get bills passed in Congress to reform the current laws regarding masturbation. These are just some of the goals related to my life’s calling. When I’m 80 years old, I want to reflect on my life and know that I did enough to help change the social stigma around jerking-off and flicking the bean. I know that many people will think of me negatively when I tell them what my purpose is in life is. I do not feel ashamed for what I will do in life. I know that God has placed us on this earth for a special reason, and God’s plan for me is to be the best masturbator the world has ever seen.