And girls want to fuck black metal males. Let it piss you off as much as you want, but you know it’s completely true. That death metal girl you like who listens to Mortician, is totally sweet and you have the biggest crush on? The one who keeps going back to guys who only listens to Pantera and gets beat up on? The one who calls you up at 1 am to cry about how her boyfriend hasn’t called her in 3 days because he’s too busy getting high with his friends to Electric Wizard, and no matter how long you listen to her, she’ll never think of you as anything other than asexual? The one who will curl up next to you on the couch to watch “Wayne’s World”, hug you close, kiss you on the cheek, and never let you fucking touch her beyond that?

Yeah, I’m fucking her.

The hot thrash girl who won’t even look at you when you raise your horns at them and smile? The one who laughs when you trip in the mosh pit and get your pocket chains broken? The one who comes up and coyly asks for your help with buying a band tee at the Testament merch stand, and then pretends you don’t exist once she has it?

Yeah, I’m fucking her too, even harder.

The deathcore girl you think might be enough like you that you have a chance with her? She plays League of Legends on your server, and watches anime, and reads comics? She’s so incredible and you just love her so much but you still haven’t worked up the courage to tell her how you feel about her?

Guess who just sucked me off and told me they’ll always love me while blasting “Demolisher” by Slaughter to Prevail in the background?