There is this sweet young waitress at my local applebees that Im fond of. Im 30 years her senior, but I think if I play my cards right I may be able to accidentally get her pregnant and have her show up at my christmas party and tell me in front of my family. I try to tip her 10% every time so she knows Im rich and that there is a lot more where that came from. She has lots of tattoos so I think she was probably abused or neglected by her dad (which is perfect for me).

Anyway, moral of the story is, dont get married.