Hi. We’re Your Local High-Speed Internet and Cable Provider. Are you looking for a fast, reliable Internet connection? A large selection of your favorite HD-TV channels? With 24/7 access to the best customer support technicians? All at a fair price?

# Fuck you.

^(You’ll take what we give you.)

You’ll have the option of “choosing” from several of our completely unwarranted rip-offs, including Internet speeds up to 200 times slower than Korea, *at twice the price,* TV packages with 500 channels, 90% of which you can’t view, and we guarantee a plethora of hidden fees. Then, our barely-trained technicians will come to install your services somewhere between the hours of 8 AM and 10 PM, knock once while you’re in the shower, and promptly leave.

And once we finally *do* get your service up and running, it’ll be down and limping within 3 hours.

***Indefinitely!***

Why, you ask? Simple.

We are part of what is called an oligopoly. It’s like a monopoly, only *legal*. See, in closed-door meetings with 4 or 5 of the other major providers, we’ve secretly agreed not to have different prices, allowing us to completely eliminate *any* competition, and collectively raise our prices to optimum cockbag levels, because we here at Your Local High-Speed Internet and Cable Provider don’t believe in customer satisfaction; we believe in *money. Pools* of money.

Looking for a better deal? You can **obble-gobble down our balls.** You’re paying for it.

# Your Local High-Speed Internet and Cable Provider.

*”You won’t like it, and there’s no other option!”*