Granted. For awhile there are jokes in the media before the novelty dies down and the various associated fetishes evolve. People seem mostly happier as the general state of everyone’s sex lives improves. You notice your mom has started buying a lot of fresh produce and sugary foods, but whatever, your parents have needs too and the new spring in their step is cute.

Your father is extra happy, as you might imagine. His new extra-wide grin quickly becomes a personality staple. The Christmas gifts get better and he doubles down on his woodworking hobby. With confidence he does something he’d always want to do: quit his job and open a bakery. Jack’s Frost quickly becomes the talk of the town. You and your siblings and cousins begin working for the company. Family wealth comes easy, and times are good. All because your father is getting more frequent bjs.

Over time, the extended family moves to your town to take up lucrative positions within the supply chain. As your prestige builds, you begin to feel powerful. Your father, who spent long days with your mother or in front of the oven, mostly lets his family run the business while he bakes cupcakes for the entire family. Each cupcake is decorated to the liking of each family member. The time your father spends baking makes him a beloved yet diminishing family figure. As he ages, your siblings begin vying for his baking empire.

Finally comes the night everyone has anticipated: your father plans to announce his successor at his retirement party. This catered event features a buffet of your father’s finest work. A part of you wonders, once he’s gone, if the brand’s creativity will depart with him. Blackmail and backstabbing are rampant among your siblings. It’s clear the announcement will rock the family and rent it apart. The plotting is put on hold and your siblings’ plastic smiles snap into place as your father steps up to the podium. He clears his throat and says “the conniving den of weasels that is my family shut me out of the business I built on my hands and knees using these two hands. The business will be dissolved by the feds because the secret flavoring ingredient is my jizz. Yes, my glazes and jellies and custards are entirely jizz-based.” Then he runs out of the house, grabs hold of a rope ladder descending from a helicopter, and is never heard from again. The money he didn’t drain from the business is not nearly enough for the needed legal expenses. Those in your family that avoid prison become destitute, as your father has placed dozens of videos of your mother blowing him on the hard drives of your computer and all your extended family, linking them to his crimes. The cloud backups randomly play at inopportune times. You might have narrowly escaped prison, but you can describe your father’s junk and have evaluated your mother’s technique and enthusiasm. Your father accidentally invents an entirely new pornhub category called Spermy Todd, which annoys you because his name isn’t Todd. It isn’t Jack, either. It’s Rod.

But at least everyone still has their flavored bjs.