Let’s go! Move it!
50 more yards!
All right, let’s go! Pick it up!
Let’s go!
Yes, sir!
You’re running out of time, Bryant!
Make it all the way around the track! Come on!
You want to be troopers? You better move it!
All right, next, get up here!
Let’s hit it now.
Dean, come on!
All right. You’ve all completed the written exam.
However, you must now pass the obstacle course
to be admitted into the training program.
And remember, survive this,
and you’re on the front lines of keeping New Jersey safe.
Yeah.
Sorry about the test, Dad.
We all have our crosses to bear, sweetheart.
Mine is named hypoglycemia.
Well, that’s why you always have to have sugar nearby.
Are you gonna have pie?
Not tonight, Ma.
I’m just kidding. Yeah, I’m gonna want some pie.
You…
No, I meant now, Ma. Get the pie now.
Okay.
You said it,
and I just kind of got that stuck in my head now,
and can’t really get it out. Pie. Here we go.
It really helps heal.
And, you know, not always, but sometimes,
you gotta do like the kids say, and just say, “Whatever.”
Kids don’t talk like that.
Some do, sweetheart. The older ones, okay?
I hear them in the mall. You know?
Peanut butter.
It just fills the cracks of the heart.
Go away, pain.
What?
Paulie.
Oh, no. Come on, Ma.
I’m not ready for this right now.
Dad.
Please.
We just don’t want to see you go through another holiday alone.
But I’m not alone.
I’ve got you two. You know?
And besides, Black Friday’s coming,
so my dance card’s gonna be pretty full.
What? It’s the busiest shopping day of the year.
Yeah, I should have known better than to try to explain it to civilians.
I wish I had a coworker here, like, “Tyler, hey. You know, Black Friday’s coming.”
“Gee, Paul, you don’t have to tell me Black Friday’s coming.
“Why do you think I’ve been walking around here
“with the eyes of an eagle?”
We prepare.
Dad, what does all that have to do
with being happy for the rest of your life?
You said, and I quote, “If I don’t have a girlfriend by November,
“I’ll let you sign me up for perfectmatch.com.”
That was last year.
Okay.
Here we are.
Okay.
“What are you looking for in a woman?”
Well, your mother certainly had something special.
Yeah, illegal immigrant status.
She married you, got citizenship, and then she left us.
That’s not entirely true.
We did have some good times back when she was still trying to trick me.
Well, I hate her.
Well, you shouldn’t.
She gave me you.
I am pretty great.
You are. You are.
Okay, next question. “Tell us about yourself.”
Let’s see.
I know a lot about sharks.
Let me stop you right there.
Well-built and a great hugger.
Awesome, Grandma.
Not as awesome as this.
What are you doing?
Beefing up your profile with that nifty video that you made a few years back.
Ma, no.
I don’t know. Don’t you think it’s a little too, “Hey, look at me”?
Well, that is exactly what we want.
Eyes on the prize.
And don’t worry, I will edit out the sweaty parts.
Dear God!
Hey! Back away from the vehicle.
Oh, dear God. Please.
Chompers, get down!
Hey, you know where a men’s room is?
I do. You’re gonna want to go to Lord and Taylor.
They got 12 stalls and heated seats.
Okay, keep the balls in the pit, kids. Kids!
Okay, my lip is numb.
All righty.
There you go.
Thank you.
Hey.
Yeah, I know.
That’s not supposed to be here. It’s a minivan.
… he can’t handle it. The puck travels to the far board…
He keeps the play alive.
Paul!
Hey.
What is this?
That’s my report on how to ease traffic flow from Macy’s
down through the specialty shops.
How’s that working out for you?
Actually, it’s for all of us.
You see, if we could reroute the customers away from the food court,
it’s gonna help the kiosks and cut down on shopper frustration.
It’s your classic two-bird, one-stone scenario.
Can I ask you something?
Anything.
Why can’t you just punch in, shut up and punch out like the rest of us?
Safety never takes a holiday.
Did your mom crochet that on a pillow?
Blart.
This is Sims. He’s a new trainee. Let him trail you today.
Hey. Paul Blart. Ten-year veteran.
Wow. Veck Sims.
Well, Veck Sims, welcome to the show. Let’s mount up.
Oh, yeah. That’s the good stuff.
That’s it. Treat her gentle, son.
Slap it, honor it.
So what made you want to pursue security?
I never finished high school. This is all I could get.
Yeah, I’m currently working on becoming a state trooper, myself.
Right now, I’m goose egg for eight. Hypoglycemia.
Confusing, right? Cut yourself some slack.
My first week riding on the job, I got lost behind the Sears.
They found me later in the fetal position, sporting a full beard.
I’m kidding. I can’t grow a beard.
My uncle can. Stay snug.
Now, in the event that you approach an assailant,
here’s what I want you to do. You’re gonna pull up,
left hip forward, placing your right hand on your away hip thusly,
giving the illusion that you have a gun. Which, of course, we both know
you don’t.
Okay? But you know what we do have?
Our voices! We have our voices.
If you remember one thing from today, it’s this.
The mind is the only weapon that doesn’t need a holster.
Right. Awesome. How long do we get for lunch?
Half hour. But I eat in 20, which leaves me five minutes for social time,
five minutes to get refocused.
We got a high roller.
Sir, I’m gonna need you to pull to the right.
Please pull to the side, sir. Out of traffic.
Tan jacket, red scooter, please pull to the right, out of traffic.
Sir.
Thank you.
Driving kind of recklessly back there, sir.
You’re kidding.
I don’t joke about shopper safety.
I’m afraid I’m gonna have to issue you a citation.
Gonna need your first and last. Last first.
Sir. Sir. Sir, sir, sir.
Please don’t make this more difficult than it needs to be, okay?
Are you able to… Sir. Sir! Sir. I am warning you, sir.
You’re pushing it.
Sir. Sir. I am warning… Sir.
Sir. Sir. Sir.
Okay.
This is adding up, sir. He’ll be back. He’ll be back. He’ll be back.
Hey.
Hi. Do you need something?
Yes. I’d like to welcome you to our mall.
Well, thank you.
Is there something else?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Just looking for some hair extensions.
Need a little more volume up top. Do you do men?
Do you do men hair? Do you do men hair? On the men?
Are you the guy that crashed into the minivan?
I don’t think so. Which one?
Well, that one. That one right there.
Yeah. That one, yes. That… You know, that one was me.
Oh, wow. Are you okay?
Oh, yeah. Never better.
Although they’re docking the paycheck pretty good.
Yeah.
You know what you should do? You should get the security tape,
and then, like, sell it to one of those shows, you know, where people crash into stuff.
Hello, early retirement.
Yeah, right?
Volume. Right, let me just see what I’ve got.
Yeah, this is Blart. If you need me, I’m over by the kiosks.
Who is this?
It’s Officer Blart, reporting from Sector 5.
What the hell are you bothering me for?
Just a Code B check.
What a moron.
You know, I’ll check in with them later. It’s pretty intense.
Oh, right, yeah. Life of a security guard.
What, what?
No, it’s just that you said security guard,
and it’s perfectly acceptable…
I’m so sorry if I called you the wrong thing.
No, no, no, no. You did fine, you know?
It’s just that there’s a huge, huge controversy
brewing in the industry right now,
whether the title should be Security Guard or Officer.
I’m sure you heard about it.
I didn’t.
You will. You’re gonna.
But I’m sure I will.
It’s out there.
So, you all set for the busiest shopping day of the year?
Yeah, right. And the worst day for a birthday.
This year, it falls on a Black Friday, which means I probably won’t even get a card.
Everyone’s too busy shopping.
You know what? Yeah. Autumn Ash.
Yeah.
I think that’s your color.
I think this’ll work.
It’s a winner.
So that’s $9.95.
$9.95?
Yeah.
Wow.
At those prices, now you got me thinking ponytail.
All right. Thank you.
Thank you.
Right. So there you go.
Okay.
And, there you go.
Thank you, Amy.
Thank you, Officer Blart.
Hey, Blart. Wow, nice shirt.
You went with a medium?
It’s a bit formfitting,
but that’s ’cause we’re required to wear protective vests under our…
No. Not buying it. No.
‘Cause I don’t see any vest underneath here, so…
No, but it’s a thick T-shirt. Basically like a thermal they have you wear.
You ready for this, hot shot?


Yeah. Yeah, bring it on.


Wind, check.


– Antennae, check.
– Nectar pack, check.


– Wings, check.
– Stinger, check.


Scared out of my shorts, check.


OK, ladies,


let’s move it out!


Pound those petunias,
you striped stem-suckers!


All of you, drain those flowers!


Wow! I’m out!


I can’t believe I’m out!


So blue.


I feel so fast and free!


Box kite!


Wow!


Flowers!


This is Blue Leader.
We have roses visual.


Bring it around 30 degrees and hold.


Roses!


30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around.


Stand to the side, kid.
It’s got a bit of a kick.


That is one nectar collector!


– Ever see pollination up close?
– No, sir.


I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it
over here. Maybe a dash over there,


a pinch on that one.
See that? It’s a little bit of magic.


That’s amazing. Why do we do that?


That’s pollen power. More pollen, more
flowers, more nectar, more honey for us.


Oool.


I’m picking up a lot of bright yellow.
Oould be daisies. Don’t we need those?


Oopy that visual.


Wait. One of these flowers
seems to be on the move.


Say again? You’re reporting
a moving flower?


Affirmative.


That was on the line!


This is the coolest. What is it?


I don’t know, but I’m loving this color.


It smells good.
Not like a flower, but I like it.


Yeah, fuzzy.


Ohemical-y.


Oareful, guys. It’s a little grabby.


My sweet lord of bees!


Oandy-brain, get off there!


Problem!


– Guys!
– This could be bad.


Affirmative.


Very close.


Gonna hurt.


Mama’s little boy.


You are way out of position, rookie!


Ooming in at you like a missile!


Help me!


I don’t think these are flowers.


– Should we tell him?
– I think he knows.


What is this?!


Match point!


You can start packing up, honey,
because you’re about to eat it!


Yowser!


Gross.


There’s a bee in the car!


– Do something!
– I’m driving!


– Hi, bee.
– He’s back here!


He’s going to sting me!


Nobody move. If you don’t move,
he won’t sting you. Freeze!


He blinked!


Spray him, Granny!


What are you doing?!


Wow… the tension level
out here is unbelievable.


I gotta get home.


Oan’t fly in rain.


Oan’t fly in rain.


Oan’t fly in rain.


Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down!


Ken, could you close
the window please?


Ken, could you close
the window please?


Oheck out my new resume.
I made it into a fold-out brochure.


You see? Folds out.


Oh, no. More humans. I don’t need this.


What was that?


Maybe this time. This time. This time.
This time! This time! This…


Drapes!


That is diabolical.


It’s fantastic. It’s got all my special
skills, even my top-ten favorite movies.


What’s number one? Star Wars?


Nah, I don’t go for that…


…kind of stuff.


No wonder we shouldn’t talk to them.
They’re out of their minds.


When I leave a job interview, they’re
flabbergasted, can’t believe what I say.


There’s the sun. Maybe that’s a way out.


I don’t remember the sun
having a big 75 on it.


I predicted global warming.


I could feel it getting hotter.
At first I thought it was just me.


Wait! Stop! Bee!


Stand back. These are winter boots.


Wait!


Don’t kill him!


You know I’m allergic to them!
This thing could kill me!


Why does his life have
less value than yours?


Why does his life have any less value
than mine? Is that your statement?


I’m just saying all life has value. You
don’t know what he’s capable of feeling.


My brochure!


There you go, little guy.


I’m not scared of him.
It’s an allergic thing.


Put that on your resume brochure.


My whole face could puff up.


Make it one of your special skills.


Knocking someone out
is also a special skill.


Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks.


– Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night?
– Sure, Ken. You know, whatever.


– You could put carob chips on there.
– Bye.


– Supposed to be less calories.
– Bye.


I gotta say something.


She saved my life.
I gotta say something.


All right, here it goes.


Nah.


What would I say?


I could really get in trouble.


It’s a bee law.
You’re not supposed to talk to a human.


I can’t believe I’m doing this.


I’ve got to.


Oh, I can’t do it. Oome on!


No. Yes. No.


Do it. I can’t.


How should I start it?
“You like jazz?” No, that’s no good.


Here she comes! Speak, you fool!


Hi!


I’m sorry.


– You’re talking.
– Yes, I know.


You’re talking!


I’m so sorry.


No, it’s OK. It’s fine.
I know I’m dreaming.


But I don’t recall going to bed.


Well, I’m sure this
is very disconcerting.


This is a bit of a surprise to me.
I mean, you’re a bee!


I am. And I’m not supposed
to be doing this,


but they were all trying to kill me.


And if it wasn’t for you…


I had to thank you.
It’s just how I was raised.


That was a little weird.


– I’m talking with a bee.
– Yeah.


I’m talking to a bee.
And the bee is talking to me!


I just want to say I’m grateful.
I’ll leave now.


– Wait! How did you learn to do that?
– What?


The talking thing.


Same way you did, I guess.
“Mama, Dada, honey.” You pick it up.


– That’s very funny.
– Yeah.


Bees are funny. If we didn’t laugh,
we’d cry with what we have to deal with.


Anyway…


Oan I…
Hey! I’m no one’s messenger boy, all
right? (ominous) I’m a delivery boy.
(he swiftly picks her up and swings
her over his shoulder like she was a
sack of potatoes)

FIONA
You wouldn’t dare. Put me down!

SHREK
Ya comin’, Donkey?

DONKEY
I’m right behind ya.

FIONA
Put me down, or you will suffer the
consequences! This is not dignified!
Put me down!

WOODS

A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just
hangs there limply while Shrek carries her.

DONKEY
Okay, so here’s another question. Say
there’s a woman that digs you, right,
but you don’t really like her that way.
How do you let her down real easy so
her feelings aren’t hurt, but you don’t
get burned to a crisp and eaten?

FIONA
You just tell her she’s not your true
love. Everyone knows what happens when
you find your…(Shrek drops her on
the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to
DuLoc the better.

DONKEY
You’re gonna love it there, Princess.
It’s beautiful!

FIONA
And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad?
What’s he like?

SHREK
Let me put it this way, Princess. Men
of Farquaad’s stature are in short supply.
(he and Donkey laugh)

Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off
the dust and grime.

DONKEY
I don’t know. There are those who think
little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona:
Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You’re
just jealous you can never measure up
to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.


SHREK
Yeah, well, maybe you’re right, Princess.
But I’ll let you do the “measuring”
when you see him tomorrow.

FIONA
(looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow?
It’ll take that long? Shouldn’t we stop
to make camp?

SHREK
No, that’ll take longer. We can keep
going.

FIONA
But there’s robbers in the woods.

DONKEY
Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting
to sound good.

SHREK
Hey, come on. I’m scarier than anything
we’re going to see in this forest.


FIONA
I need to find somewhere to camp now!


Both Donkey and Shrek’s ears lower as they shrink away from her.


MOUNTAIN CLIFF

Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves
a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave.

SHREK
Hey! Over here.

DONKEY
Shrek, we can do better than that. I
don’t think this is fit for a princess.


FIONA
No, no, it’s perfect. It just needs
a few homey touches.

SHREK
Homey touches? Like what? (he hears
a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona
who has torn the bark off of a tree.)


FIONA
A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee
good night. (goes into the cave and
puts the bark door up behind her)


DONKEY
You want me to read you a bedtime story?
I will.

FIONA
(os) I said good night!

Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the
boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona
still inside.

DONKEY
Shrek, What are you doing?

SHREK
(laughs) I just- – You know – – Oh,
come on. I was just kidding.

LATER THAT NIGHT

Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring
up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations
to Donkey.

SHREK
And, uh, that one, that’s Throwback,
the only ogre to ever spit over three
wheat fields.

DONKEY
Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future
from these stars?

SHREK
The stars don’t tell the future, Donkey.
They tell stories. Look, there’s Bloodnut,
the Flatulent. You can guess what he’s
famous for.

DONKEY
I know you’re making this up.

SHREK
No, look. There he is, and there’s the
group of hunters running away from his
stench.

DONKEY
That ain’t nothin’ but a bunch of little
dots.

SHREK
You know, Donkey, sometimes things are
more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.


DONKEY
(heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what
we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?


SHREK
Our swamp?

DONKEY
You know, when we’re through rescuing
the princess.

SHREK
We? Donkey, there’s no “we”. There’s
no “our”. There’s just me and my swamp.
The first thing I’m gonna do is build
a ten-foot wall around my land.

DONKEY
You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real
deep just now. You know what I think?
I think this whole wall thing is just
a way to keep somebody out.

SHREK
No, do ya think?

DONKEY
Are you hidin’ something?

SHREK
Never mind, Donkey.

DONKEY
Oh, this is another one of those onion
things, isn’t it?

SHREK
No, this is one of those drop-it and
leave-it alone things.

DONKEY
Why don’t you want to talk about it?


SHREK
Why do you want to talk about it?

DONKEY
Why are you blocking?

SHREK
I’m not blocking.

DONKEY
Oh, yes, you are.

SHREK
Donkey, I’m warning you.

DONKEY
Who you trying to keep out?

SHREK
Everyone! Okay?

DONKEY
(pause) Oh, now we’re gettin’ somewhere.
(grins)

At this point Fiona pulls the ‘door’ away from the entrance to
the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her.

SHREK
Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and
walks over to the edge of the cliff
and sits down)

DONKEY
What’s your problem? What you got against
the whole world anyway?

SHREK
Look, I’m not the one with the problem,
okay? It’s the world that seems to have
a problem with me. People take one look
at me and go. “Aah! Help! Run! A big,
stupid, ugly ogre!” They judge me before
they even know me. That’s why I’m better
off alone.

DONKEY
You know what? When we met, I didn’t
think you was just a big, stupid, ugly
ogre.

SHREK
Yeah, I know.

DONKEY
So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?


SHREK
Well, there’s, um, Gabby, the Small
and Annoying.

DONKEY
Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny
one, right there. That one there?


Fiona puts the door back.

SHREK
That’s the moon.
Squidward: Can’t you just get SpongeBob to do it?
Mr. Krabs: Great idea! Take him with you. [SpongeBob sneaks over smiling big]
Squidward: That’s not what I had in mind!
SpongeBob: Front end… check. Antenna… [touches the boat antenna making it vibrate] check. Bumper… check. Bumper sticker… [bumper sticker says “I Brake For Sea Urchins”] …check. [uncaps the tire pressure and puts his mouth in it, causing him to inflate like a balloon, and talk in a squeaky, high pitched voice while he is now the size of a giant parade balloon] Tire pressure! [blows out the rest of the pressure in Squidward’s face, returning him to his normal size and voice] …check. Vehicle inspection complete! We’re really making history here Squidward. That lucky customer is going to get the first Krabby Patty Pizza ever.
Squidward: Good, then you drive.
SpongeBob: I can’t. I’m still in Boating School.
Squidward: Come on, SpongeBob. Its just around the corner.
SpongeBob: Well, yeah, but…
Squidward: Just do what you do in school.
SpongeBob: Well, okay. Wait, don’t tell me.
Squidward: Back it up.
SpongeBob: What?
Squidward: Back… it up.
SpongeBob: Right, back… it up. [tries to move the stick shift down]
Squidward: Back it up!
SpongeBob: Okay, okay.
Squidward: Shift into reverse, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Reverse? Oh, yeah, reverse. [SpongeBob imagines the words “FORWARD” and “BACKWARD” turning into Korean characters, 앞으로가 (FORWARD) and 뒤로가 (BACKWARD)]
Squidward: Back it up!!
SpongeBob: [shifts gears] Backing up! Backing up! [boat backs up really fast]
Squidward: [tries to get the wheel] NO! SpongeBob! You did it wrong! Gimme the wheel, SpongeBob. Give me the wheel! Give me it!
SpongeBob: Backing up! Backing up! Ba-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ack-i-i-i-i-i-ng up! [they go over a bumpy area with rocks and then they spin around and around and around, screaming. The next morning, the boat goes over five hills] Backing up. Backing up. Backing up. Backing up. [boat stops with no fuel left]
Squidward: Well… you backed up. And you know what? I think were out of gas. And you know what else? [echoing] We’re in the middle of nowhere!
SpongeBob: And you know what else else? I think the pizzas getting cold.
Squidward: And the pizza’s cold? Oh, the pizza’s cold. Not the pizza! Oh, how could it get any worse? [kicks boat and the boat starts up again and goes forward fast back to the Krusty Krab]
SpongeBob: Well, we can still deliver it on foot. [both walk on the sand]
Squidward: Ow, ow ow.
SpongeBob: [singing] The Krusty Krab pizza is the pizza for you and me. The Krusty Krab pizza is the pizza…
Squidward: …And my feet are killing me. Whoa. [trips over SpongeBob] SpongeBob? What are you doing?
SpongeBob: [rubbing ground] Its an old pioneer trick. I saw it in a movie once.
Squidward: SpongeBob, this is no time for…
SpongeBob: Shh, shh, shh. It’s working.
Squidward: What is it?
SpongeBob: [pointing to the road] Truck! 16 wheels. Now I can show you how the pioneers hitchhiked. [starts dancing in the road] Whee… eee…
Truck Driver: Crashin’ frashin’ break dancers!
Squidward: He’s stopping! He’s stopping! [Squidward realizes he’s not stopping and grabs SpongeBob out of the way where they are covered in sand thanks to the truck]
SpongeBob: The Krusty Krab pizza is the pizza for you and me. The Krusty Krab pizza is the pizza free delivery. The Krusty Krab pizza is the pizza very ta-asty. [SpongeBob gets carried around in the air by the huge winds]
Squidward: Will you let go of that stupid pizza, already?!
SpongeBob: I can’t, its for the customer!
Squidward: Well Who cares about the customer?!
SpongeBob: I do!
Robotnik: Relax, you’re getting a PROMOTION PROMOTION PROMOTION PROPROPRO*windows error*
Robotnik: And I’m demoting you two dodos!
Scratch: But, but we didn’t do anything!
Grounder: Yeah, give us a break!
Scratch: It wasn’t us!
Grounder: Yeah, we didn’t do it!
Robotnik: Horrors! The super-strength formula has dissipated!
Coconuts: And it’s not there anymore, either!
Robotnik: Your first assignment, Lieutenant NUT, will be to recreate the formula!
Coconuts: Aye-aye! I mean, got you, ROGER! Will do!
Robotnik: With my new powers, I can do whatever I want, and Sonic won’t be able to stop me!
Tails: Mmmm! This is yummy!
Sonic: But you really didn’t have to do this for us!
Villager in Lederhosen: This is the least we can do to repay you for getting our stolen belongings back to us! Here, have another chili dog.
Tails: Sounds like a… a hurricane!
Sonic: It’s not a hurricane, it’s… it can’t be! Its…
Robotnik: SUPER DUPER SUPER Robotnik! I’m finally going to get my revenge!
Robotnik: I think I’ll shake things up a little!
Sonic and Tails: Whoa!
Sonic: I don’t know how you got those powers, but you’ve gone too far!
Robotnik: You’re the one who’s going far!
Robotnik: And I mean far!
Robotnik: Have a free sample of a one-way, all-expense-paid trip to my super frozen spicy meme breath!
Robotnik: And now for a one-way, all-expense-paid trip to…
Robotnik: The picturesque Frozen Wastelands of Mobius! My treat!
Coconuts: And when you finish doin’ inventory of the stolen loot, I got a ton of dirty work for you in the lab!
Grounder: Aw, keep your pants on! Ewww, what a stinkin’ job!
Robotnik: I just stole FOUR THOUSAND EIGHT HUNDRED AND TWENTY-TWO BAGELS! What a perfect way to whet my appetite for evil!
Scratch: Well done, super magnificent one! Bwahaha!
4th wall: SHUT UP YOU STUPID CHICKEN THERE’S AN ARBY’S COMMERCIAL ON!
Reese’s Puffs, Reese’s Puffs!
Eat ’em up, Eat ’em up, Eat ’em up, Eat ’em up!
Reese’s Puffs, Reese’s Puffs!
Eat ’em up, Eat ’em up, Eat ’em up, Eat ’em up!
(Wow)
I got Reese’s Puffs in my bowl
(Wow)
Now my day’s on cruise control
(Wow)
I got reese’s puffs in my bowl
(Wow)
And just like that I’m on a roll
Reese’s Puffs, Reese’s Puffs!
Peanut butter chocolate flavor
Reese’s Puffs, Reese’s Puffs!
In the am, it’s the flavor I savor
Peanut butter and chocolate too
You know how I do, That’s what I wake up to
My Reese’s Puffs inspired this rhyme
That peanut butter chocolate combination’s on time
Reese’s Puffs, Reese’s Puffs! (Eat ’em up, eat ’em up)
Reese’s Puffs, Reese’s Puffs! (Eat ’em up, eat ’em up)
Reese’s Puffs, Reese’s Puffs! (Eat ’em up, eat ’em up)
Reese’s Puffs, Reese’s Puffs! (Eat ’em up, eat ’em up)
(‘Cause uptown funk gonna give it to ya)
Eat ’em up, Eat ’em up, Eat ’em up, Eat ’em up!
(Saturday night and we in the spot)
Eat ’em up, Eat ’em up, Eat ’em up, Eat ’em up!
(Wow)
I got Reese’s Puffs in my bowl
(Wow)
Now my day’s on cruise control
(Wow)
I got reese’s puffs in my bowl
(Wow)
And just like that I’m on a roll
Reese’s Puffs, Reese’s Puffs!
Peanut butter chocolate flavor
Reese’s Puffs, Reese’s Puffs!
In the am, it’s the flavor I savor
Peanut butter and chocolate too
You know how I do, That’s what I wake up to
My Reese’s Puffs inspired this rhyme
That peanut butter chocolate combination’s on time
Reese’s Puffs, Reese’s Puffs!
Eat ’em up, Eat ’em up, Eat ’em up, Eat ’em up!
Reese’s Puffs, Reese’s Puffs!
Eat ’em up, Eat ’em up, Eat ’em up, Eat ’em up!
(Wow)
I got Reese’s Puffs in my bowl
(Wow)
Now my day’s on cruise control
(Wow)
I got Reese’s Puffs in my bowl
(Wow)
And just like that I’m on a roll
Reese’s Puffs, Reese’s Puffs! (Eat ’em up, eat ’em up)
Reese’s Puffs, Reese’s Puffs! (Eat ’em up, eat ’em up)
Reese’s Puffs, Reese’s Puffs! (Eat ’em up, eat ’em up)
Reese’s Puffs, Reese’s Puffs! (Eat ’em up, eat ’em up)
(‘Cause uptown funk gonna give it to ya)
Eat ’em up, Eat ’em up, Eat ’em up, Eat ’em up!
(Saturday night and we in the spot)
Eat ’em up, Eat ’em up, Eat ’em up, Eat ’em up!
SpongeBob: That was the best 60 seconds of my life! Well, time for bed.
SpongeBob: Time to go do my favorite thing at my favorite place. [humming]
Old Man Jenkins: Hey, you!
SpongeBob: Top of the morning, oldster.
Old Man Jenkins: Hey! I saw you on TV last night. [Then a flashback shows that Old Man Jenkins was actually watching a bran flakes commercial and saw the yellow box]
Announcer: New, Bran Flakes. Bold, new taste. Bran Flakes.
SpongeBob: You did?
Old Man Jenkins: Yeah. You were on a commercial.
SpongeBob: You’re right! Wow, he recognized me.
Old Man Jenkins: Yup. See ya later, Bran Flakes. What a nice cereal box.
SpongeBob: [talking to self] “Weren’t you that guy on TV?” Yes! I am that guy. [laughs] How kind of you to notice. Weren’t you that guy on the television last night? Yes, that was me. I… [runs into Peterson]
SpongeBob: Oh, please excuse me, sir.
Peterson: Oh, that’s quite all right, uhh, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Wow. I’m getting recognized all over. Why, next thing you’ll know, people are going to start doing things like holding doors open for… [gasps] Why, sir, I’m flattered.
Peterson: Really? I don’t smell anything.
SpongeBob: [laughs] You’re on your way.
Fred: Excuse me, sir, can I get a napkin?
SpongeBob: Why, of course, good sir. And next time, feel free to approach me. It most be so degrading to ask across the room. And who am I making this bad boy out to?
Fred: To my tail fin. I’ll get it myself.
SpongeBob: F-I-N. There we are, darling. Hmph. Looks like shyness got the best of him.
Squidward: There you are, SpongeBob. I need you to…
SpongeBob: No problem, Squidward. I got one already made out. Enjoy.
Squidward: [holding a napkin reading, “To my tailfin; Love, SpongeBob] To my tailfin? [checks to see if he has one]
SpongeBob: Yes, I am that guy on TV.
Tyler: Hey, look!
SpongeBob: Please, good people, no photos at work.
Tyler: Here’s the ketchup.
SpongeBob: Well, maybe just one. [poses] Another one? Okay. Limbo. And now, the, uh, oh, I got it.
Mr. Krabs: There you are, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Yes, pilot.
Mr. Krabs: I need you to… [gets hit with mop] …OW! [finger breaks] Alright, boy. Get in there and scrub the head and stop acting so predictable.
SpongeBob: I’m so misunderstood. Alas, good people, even the brightest of stars grow weary, and I am no exception. But I will shine again after a quick break in my quarters. Stay beautiful. [we cut to Dale and Lou in the restroom]
Dale: Hey, were you able to catch Glenn the Pinkfish on Flounderman last night?
Lou: No. How was he?
Dale: Well, I knew that this guy’s acting was good, but his singing was phenomenal. I’m telling you, Vendor, if that guy was to cut a solo record, he’d be a hit. [both close bathroom doors]
SpongeBob: [pupils change into stars] Solo record!
[In Mr. Krabs’ office]
Mr. Krabs: So, if I fire him and make his successor do twice the work, and… [knock on door] …eh, come in. [in walks SpongeBob and poses like a model] Oh, it’s just you, SpongeBob. Those heads better be beautiful.
SpongeBob: They are, Mr. Krabs, and so is mine. And now I gotta lay something on ya, Krabs Baby.
Mr. Krabs: The only thing you better lay is some patties on the grill, Fry Boy.
SpongeBob: Nah, I can’t take that gig, Krabber. That phase in my career is over. I’m an entertainer now.
Mr. Krabs: What in blazes are you talking about?
SpongeBob: Come on, Krabs. Let’s think outside the box for a second. Commercials are old-hat. The people want music. If I could change fate I would, Krabsy. And I’m an entertainer deep down. A people’s person. We’re on the same page here, aren’t we?
Mr. Krabs: Boy, those Krabby fumes must’ve gotten to your head. Borrow Squidward’s gas mask and get right back to work.
SpongeBob: [snaps fingers twice] I knew you’d understand. Well, thanks for the start. I’m out of here. [SpongeBob snaps his fingers outside his office]
Mr. Krabs: Oooooh… I’ve never felt such a strange combination of pity… and indigestion.
Bill: There he is! Hey! We’ve been waiting for you. [SpongeBob makes an O-shaped mouth wiggling]
Nazz: Where have you been?
Bill: How long are you going to keep us standing here?
Squidward: Well, SpongeBob? Are you just going to stand there like a half-wit, mouth agape? Or are you going to fill these peoples’ orders?
SpongeBob: Pipe down, Squidward. This crowd looks angry. They’re not going to wait any longer. I think I better give them what they need, and fast.
Squidward: I think so, too, or Krabs will fire both of us. [smiling] On second thought, keep ’em waiting.
SpongeBob: No can do, Squidward. These people demand entertainment.
Squidward: Enter-what?
[SpongeBob grabs microphone]
SpongeBob: How you doing, folks?
All: Hungry!
SpongeBob: That’s no problem, ladies and germs. ‘Cause SpongeBob is here to satisfy. [turns down light’s dimness]
Squidward: Hey!
Bill: Eating here was your idea!
SpongeBob: I’d like to call this little number “Striped Sweater.” ♪YO BOI WADDUP WIT DAT SICK ASS SWEATER YA GOT DERE LOL!♪ [crowd cheering] Thank you very much.

Two days later, Spingebill was diagnosed with terminal diarrhea. His spongey body exploded and everyone in New Jersey, the beehive, Duloc, Mobius, and Bikini Bottom drowned to death in shart. Then a skeleton popped out and spaghetti fell out of my pockets.